Summer in the City: Day Three "Watch Me As I Digress"

I wish that my thoughts weren’t so prone to wonder. I wish I had better command of my mind. I wish my stomach didn’t flutter when I see you, that butterflies didn’t crowd in my abdomen at the thought of seeing you. I wish so badly that I didn’t feel this way, but I do. I wish these feelings were a switch that I could turn off and on. The feelings feel good, but they aren’t fair. They aren’t fair to anyone. They leave me nearly insane because they slip out of my control and my fingers are grasping for something that isn’t meant to be had. I tell myself I am unrealistic, hopeless. I am chasing after the wind. I won’t ever get a hold of this. I need more time. There is someone out there for me, and against all hope, I bet it isn’t you. So I wait, and I try not to look at you longer than I should, and I pray that you will never notice. I am a young, foolish, twenty year old. I bite my tongue, shake my head and tell myself to move on.It won’t be soon, but I will fight like hell to get over you. I am finding it harder and harder to be myself. I am finding that I hate being a woman sometimes. I don’t think men will ever have a clue as to how hard it is to be a woman. What it is to know what you want, but being unable to go after it. To sit and ‘be at peace’ and hope that some guy will fall in love with me. That the right guy will fall in love with me. It is so hard to be patient, to be the one with all the feelings and to wait for someone to feel that way about me. To have emotions that are so inconsistent and uncontrollable that even I can’t understand them… let alone expect someone else too. Regardless of being a woman or a man, I can’t lose sight of who I am in Christ- a sinner redeemed by God’s grace. It is so easy for me to complain in my state of discontentedness rather to enjoy who God made me. I am just at a new stage in my life, alone for the first time in a very long time, anxious to love again (even though I am not ready). I don’t know why I am so afraid of living life now. Living for today instead of my future. I guess it’s just a part of my controlling tendencies. I have plans for myself, things that I want badly but can’t have. And I would rather dream about tomorrow then live for today. Maybe it’s because today is so uncertain that I live for a tomorrow that I have devised in my mind. I spend so much time thinking about where to go from here, the man that I want to be with, the children that I want to have, the place that I want to live, the classes I will be taking next semester. The end of the summer when my life goes back to normal… But not today, when I am not sure how to provide for myself and I am caught in feelings that I can’t escape, having feelings that aren’t returned. Insecure, alone. Suffering through growing pains… I know my tendencies. I know my sin. I know my faults to a tee. I see how all of the things above are just indicators of something deeper, more sinister inside myself. I see that I am looking to take care of myself, live my own life. I see that I am relying on this unnamed dream that I have, this knight to sweep me off of my feet and give me the security I long for. I’m Sanyelle. I know Sanyelle better than anyone else. I know who I should marry, where I should go when I’m done with Moody. I am Sanyelle, but I don’t know her best. And this nameless knight will not know me best. I won’t take care of myself. Nor will he. There is only One. So why on earth do I do these things to myself? Why can’t I just let go? God made the universe, for goodness sake, and I can’t trust Him with my future, my love life, my hope and dreams? Where is this disconnect? For the rest of my life I will be learning. Does it come back to this thing about joy? Does it come back to the fact that I try to find my joy in everything, anything, anyone but Christ? Is it my desire for control in security because up to this point in life I’ve had anything but security and stability? Is it just the fact that I am sinful? A sinful, incompetent human being that just wants to be competent, and on my own terms? I will always be wrestling through these issues… Hopefully I will continue to grow, to keep on giving over my strong will and desires to the Lord of my life, and take joy in doing so…