Sleepless in Grand Rapids

Its 5. In the morning. And I have thought myself into a hole so deep that I can hardly escape.In my mind's eye, I glance back, trying to size up the distance I have come. I shudder. My stomach is twisted in knots, and I feel as if I am burning. I feel around me the tangle and oppression of the comforter and fleece. My breath is caught somewhere between my lungs and my lips. My mind flashes back to the man on tv, bloodied, gasping for air, staring death in the face. He cannot breathe either. Yet he is fictional. His death is not a reality. I contemplate hell, and its reality, and that is why my heart races, my stomach clenches, and my body burns.What if I am wrong? What if I think I have it and I don't? I plead with God. Comfort me. I can't bear the thought of 'getting it wrong'. I toss and turn. I push off the blankets. I stare at the ceiling fan. My soul cries out. I need His peace. I need His comfort. I haven't doubted like this since I was a new Christian. I know I don't have it wrong. Yet in this darkness, this heat, I can''t convince myself that my faith is enough. Of course it isn't. My faith didn't save me. He did.
A man who was bloodied. In all reality. In every since of the word reality. He is reality. And without His 'real death', His 'real resurrection' my reality is hell...
Praise God, that God gave Himself for me.I hold my laptop in my lap. I need to see His Words. His promise of salvation. I need the comfort of... His death. And His life. I read Ephesians one. I almost weep at the comfort of my predestination. The choice of God to save Sanyelle Lee Sandusky, and pardon her from eternal damnation. I do not have to worry about being eternally separated from the my God. He has made a way. I am out of the hole that I dug with my futile thinking. I am in the security of the seal of the Holy Ghost.
Even as I type this out, and see it in print, a little shudder runs through me. But my heart no longer pounds. I feel cooler, my breath is easy. My mind slows as I see the letters form words on the screen. My thoughts... They do not come easy from my racing mind to my painfully slow fingers. Its so hard to communicate my beleaguered thoughts, assaulted by doubts.
I know I am not alone in this. Tonight I fight alone, but I know there are others who wrestle in the same way. Take heart, He is true. His Holy Spirit is upon your soul, and you are eternally sealed to Him.