I recently found some 'journal' entries from a writing class over a year ago. One of the first ones I found dealt with my relationship with Arni. It is interesting to me how things have progressed since the time I wrote the journal:
"So, now to the boyfriend... We have been talking a lot lately, trying to figure out if this relationship is going to work out, with our differences. I wonder if maybe I should stay single because my 'fiercely independent personality' seems to buck at any thought of submission to anyone. But then I see what having Andrew in my life has done for me, and it has done a lot of good, especially now. Our relationship has taught me so much. I'm learning a lot about love and sacrifice and definitely a lot about communication. I feel and think about things so strongly, and I do not keep my thoughts or my feelings to myself. I let people know exactly what I am thinking and what I am feeling. Unfortunately when I tell Arni what I feel and think, he interprets it as me telling him what to do. For example, he wants to go to state school before going to Moody. I want him to come to Moody for a year for multiple reasons. When I tell him that, in a rather passionate, emotional way, he feels pressured to do what I want, and therefore, controlled. I am learning to communicate my passionate thoughts and feelings in a way that doesn't come across as manipulative and controlling. But, for all I know, I could be manipulative and controlling-... I don't want to be though. I know what it is to be the one manipulated and controlled. So, Arni and I are struggling to see if we can learn to communicate and blend our personalities (flaws and good traits alike) in a way that works. If we can't learn how to make it work, I can see it becoming [a very ill suited marriage], which I don't desire at all. Things are getting so much better between us though, and we are learning. Maybe this can work. I love him."
I am shocked as I read this. I am telling myself how foolish and ignorant I was as I wrote this. Of course, hindsight is 20/20. Do not doubt that I love him and we had a great relationship, but the issues were apparent, and they were significant. I did learn a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about what I need in a guy. It is apparent that I need a guy who will not let me walk all over him. I need a guy who knows who he is so that he isn't subject to my passions and my desires and my will- he will have his own. Granted, I want my husband to be able to appreciate my passions, desires, and will (most of the time), and I want him to respect me. But I want to know that he is so assured of who he is, and founded in Scripture, that I can still trust him and follow his lead even if I don't agree. I need a guy who won't be afraid to call out the crap in my life instead of passively watching me struggle to figure it out on my own. If I am being manipulative, I want to be confronted. I want a man who will challenge me. He will have his own opinions and he can challenge me with them. He will be excited about what God is doing in his life and will challenge me with that as well. He will be very intelligent. He will care about theology, philosophy, and literature. He will try to understand my fears and he will not brush them off. He will show me how my fears are unfounded or how they are, and he will protect me. He will know that I think that I know what's best for me, and if he knows I am wrong, he will lovingly point me the right way. He will know I think that I am strong, and even though I am not always, he will let me think I am, all the while being the support that I don't think I need. He will always remind me that he is not my everything, and he will always point me to the One who is.
He will pursue me, and allow me to enjoy being pursued, and being the woman. I will learn to rest and not be in control, because he knows what he is doing.
I don't want to wait for this. Part of me wants Andrew to be that man. But he is not. I need to have faith that God will provide a man like this for me, and we will have a blessed marriage. In the mean time, I will continue to learn and to grow and find my everything in Christ, and Christ alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment