A Severe Mercy

Today, in a desperate attempt at feeling peace and comfort amidst a storm, I read Psalm 142 and 143. They read:

"With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him. When my spirit faints within me, you know my way! In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me. Look to the right and see there is none who takes notice of me, no refuge remains to me, no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.' Attend to my cry, for I am brought very low! Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me! Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name! The righteous will surround me, for you will deal bountifully with me."

"Hear my prayer, O LORD; give ear to my pleas for mercy! In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness! ...My spirit faints within me, my heart within me is appalled. I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done. I ponder the work of your hands. I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, O LORD! My spirit fails! ...Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way that I should go, for to you I lift up my soul..."

Today I find myself broken. God has pulled away the crutches that have replaced Him, leaving me with no one else to turn to. Almost literally. Yesterday, I found out that because of an online banking error, all of my money was moved to savings from checking, leaving me with just a few dollars in my checking account. I was unaware of this transfer, so I continued to spend money as if there was 500 dollars in my bank account rather than 10. Needless to say, I overdrew my account and lost almost all of my money in fees- leaving me with 200 dollars. Today, I owe Moody 700 dollars. I have no way to pay it. I can't even call anyone back home for help. My cell phone service was dropped today, presumably because my dad could not pay the phone bill. If he can't pay the phone bill, how on earth can he help me come up with 500 dollars today? The Gap didn't start giving me hours today. I work today, tomorrow, Monday, and next Saturday. And on this meager amount of hours, I am supposed to be able to pay off my debt to Moody. I am despairing. I feel like the only option I have is to admit defeat and go home. I will be getting 40 hours a week, but not until the week after next...
I find myself crying out to God, just as David did. I feel alone and helpless. I have a few friends to turn to, but they can't help me. I can't call Andrew anymore. I can't allow him to continue paying for my school bill. For once in my life, it is just me, and God. I pray that He can do a miracle, that He can provide for me 500 dollars to pay Moody today. My faith is small. Worst case scenarios race through my mind. What if I have to leave Moody? What if I can't afford to come back in the fall? How can I possibly survive a summer at home? How can I get a job? What will become of my future? How can I afford to stay in school? What will I do without the few friends that I have? I am scared. But I cry out to God. "My spirit fails! Let me hear of your steadfast love in the morning!" God, what are you going to do?

Yesterday I read "A Severe Mercy". Straight through. It was suggested to me by a friend. It is the story of Sheldon Vanauken and his wife, Davy. Sheldon and Davy share a love that is strong and passionate, obtaining a oneness that set their love apart. Their pagan love was sheltered in the Shining Barrier that they had created for their love. They were the epitome of 'us'. They shared everything with one another, the same interests, passions, dreams, and desires. One of their greatest desires was for timelessness. Together they moved to Oxford, where they met some Christians, who, to their surprise, actually made Christianity seem like something worth considering. Through the shepherding of their friends, and C.S Lewis, Davy and Sheldon came to faith. Their pagan love was now lost, and they came under the control of Christ. Davy gave her whole self to Christ. Sheldon did not. He soon became jealous of Davy's new lover. He loved God, no doubt, but not like she did. He wanted to ask her to stop reading the Word so much, to enjoy more poetry with him. He knew he could not ask that of her. Davy knew where Sheldon's heart was. She knew that 'us' was more important to him than God. It was becoming 'us and God', but it must be 'God and us'. She prayed that God would take her if it was necessary to allow Sheldon to give himself wholly to God. That their love would die so that he could know God more.
About a year later, Davy died. God gave Sheldon a severe mercy. It was through Davy's death, through the breaking of their Shining Barrier that Sheldon would come to know God has Davy had known Him. Sheldon had to let his love die, which was a painful process that took place for the two years following Davy's death.
This synopsis of course does the book no justice. It was beautifully written. I cried nearly all the way through it. I would not begin to compare my love with Andrew to Davy and Sheldon's love. They were lovers for over a decade, and Andrew and I were lovers for merely 2 and a half years. But I will not write off my own love as insignificant. As I was reading the book, I first had some peace about my break up. I thought to myself, it is possible to have a love like that- a marriage of true minds. I want to hold out for a love like that. Then as it began to talk about Davy's death and the collapse of all that Sheldon knew, I began to question my own decision of forsaking a love. I love Andrew Smith. I love him dearly. I want him in my life. I want him to love, and to be loved. I don't want to think about life without him. Yet, I see that for both of us, it has always been about us and God. And like Davy, I have always been closer to God and us. I didn't have it, but I believe I was closer. Andrew had become so much to me. He was my best friend. He was the one that I could call and talk to about anything and everything. He helped me pay for my school bill. He never let me go without. I didn't need to trust God for these things, because Andrew was these things. We both needed a severe mercy. Even now, my heart is sick with love that I can't have anymore. I have to say goodbye to Andrew and let our love die if either one of us is going to get to know God as our all and all.
God has brought me to a point in the last four weeks where there is no where else for me to turn. I am without any help at the moment other than His help. I am at the point where I cannot call to anybody for rescue except for my Savior. (What a novel idea!) I have to trust Him to provide, and if He doesn't provide, that He will be enough for me no matter where I end up. If I end up at home without any of my friends and my church family, He will be my sustainer and all that I need. If I stay here at Moody and work all summer long, He will be my provider and all that I need. I will continue to subject myself to His Severe Mercy until I can say with full confidence like David, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living!"