Real Drugs

I have to write, because if I don't, the thoughts clutter my head and I can't focus on what I need to be focusing on, only what I can't get out of my head. My greatest distraction in life right now is my future. It will always be my greatest distraction. I always think ahead, think of what I want to be, where I am going to be, who I am going to be with. I rarely think about now. Only when I have to. Thinking about the past is sometimes too painful, so I think about what could be... my hopes, dreams, and desires. I have so much that I want to do, that I want to accomplish, and only aprroximately 80 years to do it. Rats.

There are things that I enjoy, but am not good at.
There are things that I am good at, but don't have time to enjoy.
There are things that I want to be, but won't ever be.
There are things that I want to do, but won't get paid for.
I want to be a dancer. When I am listening to music, I am internally choreographing dances in my mind. Granted, they wouldn't look good in actuallity, and I am not the best dancer, but I delight in dancing, in listening to music. I love singing as well, but we won't even go down that road...I want to be a writer. I love writing. LOVE it. I enjoy writing about my perceptions, beliefs, and experiences. If I had time, I would like to write an actual novel, but I don't want to make a fool of myself. I may have a way with words, but I don't think I could write a novel worth reading... Not some great piece of literature like Twilight...
I want to be a better theologian. Theology is starting to mean a lot more to me the more that I get into it. To some people its unimportant, and a waste of time. They say it doesn't matter, that we just need to love God. God it theology. Theo- God logy- discourse.... It's necessary, and its fascinating, and I'm learning so much about God. There is so much more to learn and I am actually really excited about Systematic Theology.
I want to be a philosopher. After taking Introduction to Philosophy, I was able to learn to think about other perspectives, consider the validity, and stretch my mind in order to understand totally different worldviews. Metaphysics...Epistemology...Ethics summarized by Socratese, Plato, Descartes, Hume, and Kant. Brushing the surface of Hyper(post)modernity. I like thinking about things bigger than myself, strange to me. I wish I could be an academician. Unfortunately I am not that smart...
I want to be a wife. This is kind of obvious I guess. I almost had the privelege of being Andrew Smith's wife, but I don't think that will ever be. I love loving, being loved. I don't think I would make a great housewife, but I could learn... while juggling my careers as a dancing, writing, academician. Along with that, I cannot wait to be a mother! I love children. I love having a baby in my arms. Seeing a mother with her child is such a beautiful thing and I can't wait to have that.
I want to be an equine therapist. I spent most of my time in middle school and elementary school with horses. I learned so much about them, how to ride them, train them, knew their bone structure, how to care for them. Coupling that passion with my love of children, I would enjoy spending the rest of my life ministering to children with disabilities, sharing with them my love of animals, and using the love of Christ to shape and transform kids. I wish I could be all of these things, and maybe they will alll have their time. I have to learn to be patient and pursue my dreams in God's time and in His way.