Here's an excerpt from my journal a few days ago:
"October 8
I feel like for the moment, I am looking at life through rose colored lenses. Life seems to be fluctuation between two extremes, very hard and overwhelming, and then suddenly, God's grace is overflowing. Not that God's grace isn't always overflowing, it is just more clear to me. I guess the way that I am seeing God's grace the most is in my relationship with Andrew. The relationship has been so marred by sin, by selfishness, and God has allowed it to continue to grow. Andrew and I have been growing much more intimate emotionally, and it is a beautiful thing to finally see happening. And I feel content in God's will for me. Its strange that this sudden intimacy has followed my prayer for God to take my heart, which is rightfully His. I feel like I gave God my heart when I got saved and then when I met Andrew, I essentially allowed him to have my whole heart. And being a sinful person, he hurt my heart. He put cracks and chips in it. But it is God who deserves my whole heart and He can heal my heart. I have always felt that, in order to reclaim my heart, God would require me to give up Andrew, but this is not the way that God is leading me. I don't know. I don't understand the way that God works, and I don't need to. All I know is that He is doing a work in Andrew and I and in our relationship."
That was the 8th, and on the 11th (today) I went to the Garfield Park Conservatory for a day of rest with some people from school. It was probably one of the best days I've had since being here at Moody. It was incredible. The gardens were beautiful, and I sat in a small grove of trees on a blanket in the grass. The weather was absolutely beautiful. I will share a little bit of what I wrote while lying there in the grass.
"My Sabbath
God it is so good of You to let me enjoy You, especially here in Chicago. How good of You to let me lie in the grass, under a tree, soaking in the sights, smell and feel of nature! God, You are so good! I do not deserve all the blessings You have bestowed upon me! You have blessed me with life, love, friendship, and most importantly salvation! You are a creative, beautiful God and I am in awe of Your creativity! Seeing all of the flowers that You have designed given life to, it leaves me in awe of You. The way that you kiss me with breeze and embrace me with the warmth of sunshine, God You made me this way so that You can satisfy me! And I have spent so much time chasing other things. Please forgive me. It was You who created me, who gave me desires and passions, and You can give me fulfillment! It is You God, only You! I want to proclaim 'Knowing You, Jesus, Knowing You, there is no greater thing.' "
Today was a learning experience. I learned a lot about how God feels about me, and how He fulfills me in many ways, including Andrew. It is amazing to me that God does not only love me, He delights in me. Today I found delight in Him as well, which is a very beautiful thing to have. I think about all the people in the world who do not know the love of God, and I realize that I have taken for granted the blessing I have in knowing God. How could I have possibly made it through this life without the love of God. I don't think that I could, and if I did, then I would be a miserable soul. God created me, my personality which some people do not like, my passionate independent spirit that makes submission hard... He gave me a strong sense of emotion, and an indescribable joy in nature. And He loves me. He loves me. He does not just love me, he delights in me. He made me the way He wanted me to be, and despite all the ways that I manage to mess up, He still delights in me... That is something that I can't grasp. But it is a freeing thing to try to understand. Shawn McDonald has a song called free with lyrics that say "I want to be free, free to dance and free to sing. Free to live and love and free, free to be me!" God gives me the freedom to be me, and He cherishes it.
Another thing I came to better understand today is how this boy fits into my life. I have a hard time balancing where my heart should be, such as ministry and marriage, loving Christ and loving Arni. What I have learned today is that it can all be the same thing. My marriage is going to be a ministry, and while it is not right now, I need to be focusing on the ministries that God has given me and enjoy what I can do as a 'single' woman. Also, my love for Christ is going to be a very different love then my love for Arni, its just a matter of how I show my love for both. If I am so wrapped up in loving Arni, that I forget to seek out Christ and give Him the love that He deserves, then that is where the problem lies. And I admit, I have pushed Christ to the side in order to give more of myself to Arni. Yet, loving Christ means loving Arni, and I need to realize that as well. I just need to make sure that my priorities are where they should be while I am still in this season of singleness.
I have more that I could say about the impact of this day, and on other things that have been going on in my life, but I shall save that for another blog...
