Cloudy Night

As I lay in my bed last night, I looked out my window for the first time after dark. Normally the blinds are closed, but last night, I left them open. From where my bed sits underneath the window, when I am lying flat on my back, I can look up and see mostly open sky. A high rise in the distance intrudes upon my midnight show, and the lights from Culby glare in my eyes. But for the most part I am privy to a view of the deep blue night sky, a dark ocean for white ghosts to sail smoothly and silently upon, borne by the cool summer breeze. I watch, content for a moment, as the shadowy clouds slowly creep through the patch of night. The sky glows with the lights of the city beneath it, and the clouds seem more like smudges against the shimmering night waters- their shipness upsetting an otherwise still night. But I am thankful for the clouds and their slow voyage past my window. They give me a sense of peace, of normalcy.
I lay, gazing up at the clouds, thinking of all the things that normally plague my restless mind. I think of love, of God, of family and my longing to be someplace more like home. I thought about the blog I had last posted 'You expect too much'. I think about one thing in particular that I wrote. I said that I wanted nothing more than to be with Andrew. It is true, that at some moments I am so overwhelmed with my desire to be with him again, to have that peace and sense of security. I feel my heart swell at the thought of hugging him and never letting him go. My chest heaves as I try to contain my sorrow and longing and all the pressure of all my emotions wanting to break free and tumble out in my tears. It is true, that sometimes I think that I need Andrew, that without him I am incomplete and insecure. But as I lay there last night, watching the clouds and measuring their speed by how slowly they creep past my window sill, I felt a sudden sense of shame.
I thought back to David's words in his Psalm:
"...there is none who takes notice of me; no refuge remains to me; no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living!'"
David, in this time of hiding from Saul, literally had no one to call friend. He had no one at all. Still, God, His Savior, was enough for him, in every sense. In reality, I am not alone, although I am now without the person that I love the most. And for me to think that I should say 'I want nothing more in this moment than to be with him again' instead of thinking 'I want nothing more in this moment than to experience You and Your refuge' seems outrageous to me. Jesus Christ holds the universe together by the power of His Word, and I cannot let Him fulfill any of my needs at any given moment? He is my Savior in all aspects. He loves me more dearly, more tenderly, more infinitely than any man will. He knows my needs before I do, before I have a chance to pray them. He takes care of the noisy pigeons squabbling underneath the Brown Line outside the window, and I don't think He is capable of taking care of me?
Today I read Psalm 144 and 145. Here is what struck me about 145:

"The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. The LORD is good to all, and his mercy is all that he has made... [The LORD is faithful in all his words and kind in all his works.] The LORD upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you you, and you them food in due season. You open your hand; you satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them. The LORD preserves all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy."

This is absolutely beautiful and comforting to me. Yhwh is essentially my everything. He is all that I need at any given moment. I need to trust Him and surrender to Him.