I don't even know how to address You, what to say to You that can even begin to describe where my heart is at this very moment. It has been so long. Tonight, You slowly pried away the grip that was on my heart, the grip that the world had. I nearly wept at the thought of You still loving me, being jealous for me, and longing for a relationship with me. I have rejected You, night after night, day after day. I have been heartless and severe in my avoidance of You. I have let my heart grow cold, angry, and bitter rather than softened by Your love.
It was the thought of seeing You, as I will someday. It was the thought of entering into Your presence and wanting nothing more than to throw myself into Your arms, knowing that no matter how foolish I have been, it has been me that You have wanted. You want me! Even when I don't want You. You know me, created me, have plans and dreams for me bigger than I could dream for myself. And God, You love me. You love me. I cannot wrap my mind around this love. It is unrequited. It is undeserved. It is grace at its greatest. This love that lead You to death, that brought me to life.
I have thrown myself at other things, relentlessly giving my soul over to carnality. I have let my thoughts fester. Rather than pray, I long for a life of fleeting pleasure. Rather than taste Your love and grace, I hungered for things that bring death. Why, when I have You and Your love, would I ever choose anything else? But I do. And God, I know I will again. Its just tonight, I was reminded of how You really feel about me. You aren't waiting to punish me. You already took my punishment. Now You long for my sanctification, my redemption. I long for the day when I can walk with You without my sin being in the way. I long for the day when I am only ever wholly Yours, where I will be in your presence, and the thing that I should have wanted all along, will be the thing I have for all of eternity.
Its You, that I need. Its You who loves me better than any person ever will. It is You Who will rescue me when I am drowning in the muck of sin I drag myself into. I know it doesn't do it justice, but its how I can relate to You, so please forgive me for its inadequacy. Its just where I am at.
"I could use a hero right now, and You could use someone to save. Someone who's like me, someone who's not brave, someone who's not free. With the darkness cometing down, I could use Your saving right now. I will wait for You, I will talk to You when no one is around. You could change me, You could steal me. You could turn all the lights on and show me the real me. Then maybe, if I'm lucky, You'll offer me protection, You could even heal me."
God, my need of You is so glaringly obvious. I am nearly speechless. But I need You. I need You to save me from who I am, from who I am becoming. I need a Hero. I need to be rescued. I just need You. I don't know where to start, but by declaring my need and desire, and trusting that You will save me.
So please God, I am running to You, rescue me.
Because I'm feeling like I might need to be near You.
