It hit me, as I sat for the first time today, on an old bench at a train station. "Memories like bullets fire at me from a gun..." At the most unpredictable of moments the pain rips through me. It is physical. It starts in my chest and washes over me, and for a second I am drowning in it, choking on it, unable to breathe because of it. And then it recedes, and I can catch my breath. But today the pain lingers. As I stood in line at the Sears Tower, Isabella tugged on my hand. I bent down, and she asked where my husband was. "I don't have a husband!" I replied with a laugh. "Are you asking where Arni is?" "Yeah, where is Barney?" she replied. I explained that Arni was in Indiana, and went on trying to explain how many of her there would have to be, stacked, to reach the top of the Sears Tower. Even Austin was asking about Arni, and Gil. I realized it wasn't just myself that was counting on the two of us getting married. The last time Arni and I had been together, he had been playing race cars with Isabella. I remember not feeling well, and getting up to go down stairs. I had stood up, kissing him on the cheek before heading down. As far as Isabella was concerned, he and I were married, although at the time we weren't even considering ourselves a couple.
The more I sit and allow myself to think about it, the more regret builds up inside of me. Everything about this summer, and the summer before, and even the summer before that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The summers and their mistakes run together in my mind, one bad choice after another. The apathy, and living on the edge of self loathing is eating away at my resolve. I am comfortable with it though, and that is perhaps the most dangerous thing. What I am learning makes me feel good, and I am in college because I know I should be. I do the homework because its required to get the degree I want. I clean the bathrooms, and work at the Gap because it pays for school.
I don't read my Bible because I have convinced myself I don't need it. I don't talk to God unless I am apologizing for not talking to Him. I know I need Him, but at the moment I don't want Him. I am desperately sick. I could have avoided it, I am sure. But it is easier to blame other circumstances. It is easier to point the finger at what happened this summer, saying that it was the anger and hatred and bitterness towards the guy who came into my world and turned it on its head. Its easier to say that I just wore myself to thin with working both jobs. Its easier to say that breaking up with the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life left me too depressed for the moment. But I am the root of all of those issues. My degeneration must have started before the summer. What an awful thought... How long have I been sinking? And now all of this baggage is weighing me down, and I can't seem to find a way back up. I don't even know if I want to go back up. I am tired, depressed, lonely... I want to move back with my grandparents and my dad. I am in no position to be at Moody.
I don't even want to be in love anymore. Seeing couples at Moody doesn't make me long for my past relationship, it gives me a sense of relief. Yet I miss Andrew. But I am repelled by the thought of commitment. I want something new though. I want to try new things, but I hope for the old things as well. I feel torn up and trashed on the inside. I am descending rapidly, looking back so far that I am always looking forward. I feel as lost as the lost... If not more so, because I know Who I am lost from. My eyes must be adjusting though, because the darkness doesn't seem so dark anymore.
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