The realization that I came to last night was a beautiful one, and it puts my soul at ease. It has begun a process of spiritual rectification that might otherwise have been much delayed. Although I have found spiritual comfort, my emotions are still raging inside of me, and when left to think to myself, I see a moving picture show in my mind.
These emotions, this flood of memories that assaults me daily and brings stinging tears to my eyes, I thought that maybe I had bypassed this messy stage of breaking up. Alas, it just came three months later than I expected it to. I knew all along I was not okay, but I think that God was being merciful so I could deal with the storm known as Adam. I don't think it would have been mentally or emotionally possible to deal with what happened with Adam as I was trying to deal with my break up. So now, as I work at Moody, alone, cleaning bathrooms, I have no where to hide from the sadness and the memories, the worries and concerns, the hopes and the fears. I must just deal with them.
I remember sitting under a starry winter sky, giving no heeding to the biting cold, sitting in a covered wagon. The top was rolled back and we sat beneath a dome of glittering constellations, taking advantage of precious alone time. The only thing to draw us out of our reverie was the long, high howls of nearby coyotes. Wrapped up in each others arms on that cold bench, I experienced for the first time what it was just to kiss... and kiss and kiss and kiss, to kiss until my lips were numb, and not because of the cold. I remember stumbling through the darkest of dark woods, where he had first held my hand, now clinging to him for love and from fear.
This is just one of many that rush through my mind, leaving me desperately sad and feeling alone. A huge part of me is a hundred miles away, and I am rejected.
No comments:
Post a Comment