I am sitting in Argo Tea, putting forth little effort in being productive... I should have learned my lesson from last night, in which I was up until 6 this morning reading and writing papers. I am reading the book RealSex by Lauren Winner for my Marriage and Family Systems class. It is actually really good. Kind of an awkward book to take to a cafe, but I have long since stopped caring so much about that kind of stuff.
As usual, I am incredibly confused about almost everything in my life. I am confused by my relationship, or lack thereof, with Andrew. I made it a whole summer. I was okay. And then the reality and the pain that I had been fleeing from finally caught up. And when it hit me, it was like what I would imagine being hit by a truck, or slamming into a brick wall would be like. It left me slightly senseless, dazed, and confused. The fight or flight process kicked in and I wanted to take flight, to keep running. Even now, I want to run. I want to leave almost everything. I want to remove myself from Chicago, from Crawfordsville, from anything that connects me to the issues that surround me. I want to buy a plane ticket and fly to New Zealand. I want to throw myself fully into a ministry where I spend all day with horses and kids, helping them to overcome their own tremendous problems, while I cower from my own.
He told me the other day that there was a girl that he liked. Just another way to hurt. Another blow. As he told me I instantly felt sick, couldn't breathe, and spent the next few hours sobbing while Deanna rubbed my back. The past few days I have found myself so lost in thought. The only time that I can escape it is when I am at the Gap. The Gap is like a whole other life to me. I can hurl myself into the job, working to achieve a possible distant promotion. I don't have to think about everything that is wrong with me. My problems follow me everywhere else, except there.
All of these feelings that are coming up because of Andrew are revealing a much nastier side of my self. The side of me that has blood boiling in my veins at the thought of another girl stepping in to take my place. I apparently think so highly of myself to think that I should be irreplaceable. Yet all summer I have been searching frantically for Andrew's stand in, only to realize that there isn't one, shouldn't be one. Not now anyway. I feel confused about how I should view this singleness. The thought of casual dating appeals to me, but the thought of committment to anyone but Andrew terrifies me. Another insight into my sick selfishness, the disconnect in my heart and my head. Instant gratification seems to be a pretty big priority to me. I can see that my attitude implies that Andrew should sit around and wait while I resolve all this inner turmoil, while always toying with the idea of dating other guys. I am such a jerk. I feel like I could compile a pretty comprehensive list of why guys should stay away from me right now. I sure as hell wouldn't want to date someone like me...
All of these things point to an even graver issue. My heart is *effed up. Like I indicated in my previous blog, I am feeling hopelessly lost. At the beginning of the summer, I felt as if I was putting up a valiant effort to fight my own destruction. And here I am, feeling rather destroyed. I feel so low that I can't even manage to mouth a prayer, to pick up my Bible. I feel so estranged from God. Yet in Church on Sunday, I was struck by my need for God in a new way. I was texting my brother throughout church, and he was telling me about his issue with his girlfriend. I began to feel very sad for him, wishing that I could protect him from what I see to be a very poor relationship and impending heartache. I wish I could spare him from the pain I know he is going to face. I have to deal with the pain that my mom has been abandoned by her family. I can't imagine how absolutely horrible that must feel, to be so alonen, and that is a whole issue in and of itself. I am responsible for part of that, but I don't even know how to reconcile that situation. All of this to say, I was overwhelmed and consumed by pain, by heartache, by the devastation of relationships. And then I felt a small stirring of hope in my soul. I need God. I need Him to heal me. I need Him to save me once again, not from my sin, but from myself. Instead of letting my pain beat me into the ground, I need to let it stir me upwards, to a Father who wants me to share my pain with Him, and to share His yoke with me. What a wretched person I am, that it is taking me so long to drag myself back to Him. Praise Him for His abounding grace!
I have so many thoughts and concepts swirling through my heart and mind right now. Every now and then I am faced with a cycle that I see in my family. I see my older sister, asking my dad for money so she can buy soap and shampoo, because there is no one to love her and care for her as she murders herself with meth. I see my mother, her mind altered by who knows what, leaving her unpredictable and hateful at times, and at other times, so needy for attention and love from others that when it doesn't come she is left feeling purposeless. I see her now, for the most part alone and abandoned, just like her eldest daughter. I beg that God doesn't let me follow in the footsteps of the women before me. I don't want to succomb to madness and hopelessness and despair. I don't want to find myself at the mercy of internal demons that I could never face, letting disappointment after disappointment leave me embittered and depressed to the point where no one can bear to deal with me. Life is so cruel. Satan has wrought so much havoc on my family... How can I be expected to overcome it?
Why isn't God doing more to stop it?
One need not be a Chamber -- to be Haunted --
One need not be a House --
The Brain has Corridors -- surpassing
Material Place --
Far safer, of a Midnight Meeting
External Ghost
Than its interior Confronting --
That Cooler Host.
Far safer, through an Abbey gallop,
The Stones a'chase --
Than Unarmed, one's a'self encounter --
In lonesome Place --
Ourself behind ourself, concealed --
Should startle most --
Assassin hid in our Apartment
Be Horror's least.
The Body -- borrows a Revolver --
He bolts the Door --
O'erlooking a superior spectre --
Or More --
Emily Dickinson
*Check out "effing" on dictionary.com. I found this term used often in Harry Potter, and also by my roommate... Unsettling where language is going...
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