I always sit down with my laptop with no idea what to write. I simply feel the need to. I have had so much on my mind these past few days, but I don't even know if its worth writing, or if I should write at all...
All of that to say:
Lately I have been wrestling with my sin nature. God created mankind to be perfect. To be wholly His, to life in constant fellowship with Him. That is what we were made for. Now that we are fallen, it goes against our nature to be in fellowship with God. Now, instead of craving God for what He is- my life source, I want the very things that break His law. I know that His law is in place to help me be set apart, to protect from the ravages of sin, yet part of me still desires to have the cliche forbidden fruit... When I hear a friend telling me how much fun it is to get trashed, a part of me wants that, for many horrible reasons.
There has been a periods in my life where I have given myself over the desires of my flesh, only to face disaster. I am still dealing with the incredibly painful consequences of my sin to this day. Despite the pain that sin brings, it still seems more attractive than honoring God's law. Why is this?
It is because I have yet to surrender myself wholly to Him. I haven't found in Him the greater joy of obedience. If I found pleasure in loving God with all of my heart and in obeying Him, I don't think that getting trashed would be so appealing to me. I would prefer to get caught up in being with God instead of being in some guy's arms.
I know that above all God is better. I know it in my head. My heart isn't convinced. My sinful heart is still begging for its destruction. My redeemed heart is fighting a losing battle. Sin seeps through everything in this world. Sin takes a drink and turns it into an addiction, a deadly loss of inhibition. Sin takes healthy desire and twists it into a pornography addiction, into premarital sex, pregnancy outside of wedlock. Sin takes everything that is beautiful and kills it. And yet that is what we desire as fallen humans- a passion that leads to death. We sell our souls for a summer of beer and sex. We wake up hung over and without the slightest idea of who we fell asleep with. We graduate college and marry. We wake up mid-life and wonder who the hell we married, and divorce them when we realize we never loved them after all. We throw ourselves into careers so we have money to pay for our newest addictions, the best car, the newest Iphone. We die- and then we really get what we were asking for. Its a sickness.
I think that we get the idea that we can live without God. We just can't die without Him.
Yet even unbelievers have a sense of the futility of sin. One artist puts it this way:
"And the bars are finally closed, so I tried living for the moment, until the moment finally froze and I felt sick and so alone."
So despite our craving for sin, I think that we know that it isn't all that there is to live for. But, we don't desire God on our own... Romans 3:11 is clear on this.
That touches on a whole other subject... The fact that God puts the desire for Him in the hearts of those He chooses. And for the rest of the world: They are damned. And chillingly happy to be so. And there my mind is blown.
On to other issues:
I am spending my money like its going out of style. (It probably is) I have no idea if I am coming back to Moody or not. But after concert tickets, a tattoo and paying off my debt, I am probably not coming back. I don't know what I am going to do about my internship. I know that I want to get overseas as soon as possible. I want to study in Europe this summer, but I also need to do my internship. Maybe it is possible to do both... If I do go to Europe, that will probably put me at least a semester and a half behind. I need to decide if I want to go to Asbury after I go to Moody. 4 more years of school... eh. I suck at school. But I love learning.
Decisions, decisions.
I need a break. But there isn't really one in sight.
I miss high school football.
I wish that my biggest decision in life right now is what I should wear to homecoming.
The great thing about life is that it can only get better. The most horrible thing about life is that it can only get worse.
The inescapable fact of life is that someday- you die.
But death is a whole other story.
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