Dreams Deferred

When writing a story, you write the character first.
[Enter Sanyelle]

I was born and raised in a small town in central Indiana. I was born in January. I hate the winter... I have always resented that I could never have a pool party for my birthday, or any other fun outdoor activity for that matter. My idea of fun has never consisted of freezing... When I say small town, it could be smaller. We have a Wal-Mart, a bowling alley, and a movie theater. Most kids smoke pot. My elementary school was in the middle of nowhere, in a small area called Garfield. Cornfields on almost every side. It looked identical to the other two elementary schools in our district. My favorite teacher was Mrs. Markland. Without her influence in my life, I would have turned out significantly different. I would have never owned Sonny. That in itself would have changed who I was in Middle School, what I would be dreaming to do after college, and what the picture on this blog would look like.
I had a good childhood. I was happy, well looked after. I was able to take riding lessons and dance lessons. I spent almost every Friday night with my grandparents. I was privy to root beer snow cones in the summer, and staying up later than I would at home. Monday nights meant dad fixing supper and playing hide and seek in the dark. I learned No Doubt and Alanis Morisette from those Monday nights.
I loved dancing. I quit though, and I regret it.
I rode western, and the first pony that I ever got to show was Tina. We were tight. The pictures from that show include a blue cast. I broke bones, frequently, as a child.
I used to just listen to country music. Then I went to Twin Lakes Camp and heard Switchfoot. Life hasn't been the same since. I still know every word to a lot of country songs. But now I know almost every word to any Andrew McMahon song.
I am afraid of rejection. Liking unrequitedly takes a toll on a young girl quickly. I like someone even now who will never like me back.
I'm a pessimist. I wish I wasn't. Life has been kind of dim lately. I am not good at setting boundaries. If I do set them, I break them. I am predisposed to self loathing. I am afraid of being vulnerable with anyone again like I was with Andrew, because it feels wasted. I am undisciplined and lazy. I swear sometimes.
On the other hand, I am passionate. I'm a strong person. I have dreams for myself, and I will try to see them fulfilled. I am spontaneous and love adventure, to an extent. I am a reader and writer and value intelligence. I can stop caring about what other people think when I need to.

I hate mornings. I think I always have. Let me clarify. I hate waking up. I actually enjoy mornings. The state of morning. Not its earliness. The sunrise, the temperature, the dew, the birds... Not the fact that I had to become conscious to enjoy it... I love nights. I love nights in the city because of the skyscrapers and the way they glow. The way the clouds move over the city and stand out so starkly against the dark blue sky. (I love the song "Dark Blue". Ask Ruth.) I love nights in the country because of the stars. The sound of coyotes and bull frogs.

I often miss being young.
I do have regrets, many things I would do differently.
I feel like I miss Europe, and I have never been there before.
I sometimes avoid reality by always planning for the future.
I struggle with being controlling and that scares the hell out of me.
I want to be a good wife and mother some day.
I don't find it hard to be open with people.
I love Harry Potter.
I want to marry the waiter at 3rd Coast.
If I could play any instrument, I'd play the piano.
I enjoy pretending I'm the shit, even when I am most definitely not.
I want to study Psychology some day. And get my masters in English.
Dr. de Rosset is kind of my hero. I want to be her.
I can't sing, but I love it. I love music.
I want to be mature when I grow up.
I'm terrified of dying. But I think about it a lot.
Heaven is going to be great.

I love God, and I am not good enough to be His daughter. But He chose me. I wouldn't have chosen Him otherwise. I like talking to Him, but I don't do it enough. I run from Him a lot, because I am overwhelmed with how often I fail Him. I am idolatrous. This speaks so much of Him... He is patient and loving, even when I am the epitome of unloving. The absolute best thing about knowing God and being loved by Him is that no matter how good I am, He doesn't ever love me any more. If I am the most appalling of sinners, He doesn't love me any less. He loves me like He loves His Son, Jesus. It is the most sweetest love I will ever know, and I will know it for all eternity. Being the selfish, controlling, fallen human that I am, I have a hard time submitting my life to the authority of Christ. But the past few months I have been learning what it is like to live for myself. It is far worse than living a life proskuneo. (Bowing in submission) I am going to spend the rest of my life struggling and growing and learning. It frustrates me at times, but He is faithful. Despite how faithless I am.