I write to stay dry...

If I do not write, I drown.
If I cannot take a few minutes every day and unload my heart and mind onto a keyboard or a journal, I am almost overcome. Lately, I have had a lot to think about and consider. I feel like I need to sit down and write a few people some letters, letting them know what I think... But I feel like if I don't take time to think long and hard about what I should say, that my words would just end up obliterating relationships.
I hurt. Two people who I love a lot, two of the people I love the most are inflicting more pain than they could be aware of.
One of them I have no problem disliking. One of them I am seeking to have reason to dislike. One of them I want to say what I have to say and forever close the door on the relationship. The other I want to say what I have to say and then grow a deeper love.
Yet I know if I just spoke what was on my heart with no thought or censorship, I would be left staring at two burnt bridges. I tend to speak without thinking, acting on emotional impulse, rather than discernment and rationality.
I would say that I am a very emotional person. I am a passionate person. The combination results in a terrifying whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that exhaust me, that drain me, that harm me and harm others. It is not all bad, of course. There are benefits to being such an emotional being, to having passions. Yet at the moment, I wish I could turn off my emotions, shut down my heart and mind, and be a sad robot, made of nothing but metal. To be cold and hardened to all of this emotional turmoil, to hear something of break ups and broken families, and shrug.
Of course I know this is ridiculous. Life is all the more beautiful because of pain. "The shadow proves the sun." This pain will grow me, in many ways I am sure. This too shall pass. There will come a day when my tears are dried for good, and I will wonder why I cried so much over a boy. So for now, I will feel. And feel boldly. I will love again, with utterly reckless abandon. I have less than a century to enjoy a romantic kind of love between a girl and a boy, a man and a woman. I plan on loving to the best of my ability, whoever it may be. Although sometimes I wonder if there is anyone who can handle... me.