I just unceremoniously cut off the bracelet Arni made for me who knows how long ago. I can't believe that I can logically and correctly say 'who knows how long ago'. Today would have been our three year anniversary. If the pain of that realization doesn't suck, I don't know what does. This morning at breakfast, I sat with the guy who is now Insung's new roommate. "The replacement", I called him. Blow by blow, I realized just how finished things are. And how unresolved my heart is.
I didn't cut the bracelet off out of spite. I cut it off because it rubs up against my fresh tattoo. My freshly needled skin. It was kind of hurting. I probably never would have cut it off otherwise.
Last night, I shared the story of Arni and I with a girl on the floor. I got emotional... When is it going to stop hurting? Will I ever look back on this time of my life with anything other than a frown, a flinch, a tear? Sometimes I doubt it.
We talked tonight. Arni and I. Just on Facebook chat. He asked if I still loved him. I do. But it isn't the same. It won't ever be the same again. Somehow, I've learned to live without him. Its probably a good thing. I can go to Europe now. I can have my tattoo without wondering what his parents will say. But I still miss him. I miss his hugs. No one hugs me like he does. Like he did. Gosh this hurts...
Today Pastor Nathan gave such a wonderful sermon on loving Jesus. He spoke of Heaven with such longing that it almost brought me to tears. He spoke of a passionate love for Jesus that I want. Jesus is more than a chore. He isn't something to check off of a to-do list. We are to love Him with an undying love. A love that death heightens. I want to love my Jesus that way. Pastor Nathan reminded us not to get so caught up in trying to feel this love, but to simply focus on Jesus. Maybe hours spent in prayer with Him won't be such a burden. I can long for my time with Him for what it should be. Something as sweet as honey. It takes time. But I want God. I do. I just wish I didn't have to fight so much for it. Maybe having to fight for it will make it all the more precious. I do wish it were easier though.
After the sermon, Pastor Nathan gave us an invitation to pray with our friends. Another part of his sermon had been on the importance of best friends. I was so thankful for the reminder of how dear my best friends are to me. Jacquelyn and Christie, Ruth and Deanna, girls that pour into my life every day and make life all the sweeter. Sasha, who even despite the distance and the craziness in life finds time to have late night chats on Facebook... I am so incredibly blessed by the friends I have. I am blessed by great brothers who encourage me in my faith as well, guys like Zack, and David, and Sam.
So after the sermon, Jacquelyn, Christie, Amy and I all went into the stairwell to pray. It was an incredible time of prayer... the small church congregation singing of the goodness of God. I hope I never forget what it was like to be huddled in that stairway with the beautiful sound of worship behind my sisters and myself.
After church, Jacquelyn, Christie and I joined John, Tony, Abby, Katie, Ruth and several others for lunch at Des Pasadas. Being around John will always be hard for me after what happened this summer. I feel embarrassed and awkward around him, even though I shouldn't be... I don't know how to escape those feelings. And every time I see John, I think of Adam. And my skin crawls. But lunch wasn't so bad. John is nice enough.
Then came the highlight of the day--the tattoo. The whole process was over in about fifteen minutes. That includes paperwork, and two tattoos. It didn't hurt too bad. I am actually excited to get a second, and possibly even third one... It says proskuneo. Pros "towards" and kuneo "kiss". Literally to blow a kiss. Translated in Scripture as worship, prostration, or bowing in submission. I love it. It is on my forearm for all the world to see. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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