Nothing Gold Can Stay

I sat on the bus, my orange juice and Dunkin Donuts in hand, backpack at my feet, and headphones in. I cared not to see the city upon departing, so I opened a composition notebook and my Bible and began to write out Romans 5. I was attempting to prepare myself for the day ahead. Once the city and suburbs faded to open stretches of interstate lined by trees and hazy, lazy creeks, I finished up the chapter and laid all books aside and spent the next three hours enjoying the look of fall in the country.

It was glorious. The leaves were only beginning to change to shades of yellow. Some were already different shades of orange and red. For the most part, it was clusters of green trees, with a dash of color to accent the foliage. The corn was turning too, from green to yellow to brown, to harvested. The soybeans had become a burnt red color. The sky was thick with clouds, though slight rips in the dense mass exposed a brilliant blue. The sun burned only like a silvery orb through the layers of moisture above. The land rolled gently out from the interstate, unfurling in a colorful mosaic, dappled with patches of silvery, shifting mist. I noticed herons and hawks in marshes and trees. I observed a herd of cows, a few horses. My heart was at rest. I have never before so appreciated what it is to see corn at harvest-time, to see the leaves changing, to be under open skies without a skyscraper or building other than a barn or house in sight. 3 hours on the road in flat Indiana never had been so exhilerating.

I wrapped my arms around the chains and slipped my hand in my pockets. The swing swung gently as my feet dangled over the gravel. I twisted the swing to face Andrew, and dug my mocassins into the rocks, unearthing wet pebbles. Ladoga was cold and quiet, the park was deserted. Few cars drove past. Few people walked by. I felt alone with Andrew. It was overcast; I shivered despite wearing two jackets. To the south of the park, across the street, on the other side of a row of houses, I could see the tree tops forming a colorful wall, hugging the small town. I felt as if I was tucked away from the rest of the world, in a safe haven where the only reality was us. Or the lack of us. As we talked, I stared down at my lap, watching my tears fall after they rolled off my cheeks and nose, down my chin. They mingled with the misty rain drizzling down on us.

I'm feeling like I might need to be near You

They say that God works in mysterious ways, but right now I feel like I can understand pretty well what He is doing.
If you know me at all, or read this blog regularly, you know I like to have an idea of where my life is going. I would say that this is true of most people. You want to know what you will be doing tomorrow, next month, next year... Humans are creatures of habit. We like security.

I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to be doing. Life is one huge question mark. But, I am only 20 years old. I don't have to have everything figured out. I just wish that I didn't suck at the present. How am I supposed to do what God wants for me someday... when I can't even figure out how to do good at living life now? I am trying so hard. I really am. I am getting so incredibly discouraged by my lack of responsibility and discipline. I am out of control. There is no control left to be had. And that is what God is doing.

Today, I sat in my Creative Methods for Children feeling incredibly bitter because everything taught in that class is relative to church ministry. I just don't see myself doing that. Because if I see myself doing anything in the future- its equine therapy. My frustrations did stir one positive emotion, and that was a desire just to have my quiet time and talk to God about it. About everything. About how I overslept today, by 5 hours. How I missed American Lit, and Chapel... again. About I how I failed that exam yesterday. How badly I want to get out of this cold, wet city where there the perpetual cold and gloom makes my spirits sink even lower. I want to talk to Him about how confused I am, about how I want to know what He is doing in my life- if anything. I want to plead with Him to give my ex-boyfriend back, because it hurts. It seems unfair. If I could just have that one part of my life back... I'd be fine. Things would make more sense. I would know what I was supposed to be doing, what would be happening after I graduate. I would know better who I was...
But God is teaching me who I am in Him. I don't need to know what I am supposed to be doing with the rest of my life to know God more. And because life is so uncertain, I need Him all the more. I am driven to Him out of my fear and insecurities and my absolute need for His assurance in my life. Even if the unthinkable happens and I can't come back to Moody, or afford to go to Asbury, and life as I know it unravels, I know that He is constant. His love is constant, His mercy and grace is constant. When all else isn't, God is. It still wreaks havoc on me mentally and emotionally to be so out of control and unsure. Yet I know that God is doing a work in me. In the meantime, I do need to be doing better with what I have now. This semester has been the worst for me academically. I have never done so poorly in school. I know that I am a fairly intelligent person, so I feel like I am taking advantage of what God has given me.
Today has just been a bad day for me. It is hard not to be overwhelmed with discouragement. But if the very least that it does is drive me to my Lord, then I guess its not such a bad deal.

She's raising hell to give to me...

Thoughts for the day:
*Living in Chicago is hard. I don't want to hear about a sixteen year old honor student beaten to death with railroad ties and then having his head stomped in... by other kids. I almost wept today reading about it in the Redeye. Life is so senseless sometimes. I don't want to walk past the McDonalds where homeless men and women beg for food. I am sitting on a couch in a cozy dorm room with my laptop in my hands without ever having to worry about where my next meal is going to come from.
*I am listening to Pandora while reading Romans and studying about Anabaptists. Right before I got off Facebook to do my homework Andrew popped up to say how much he loves me. Pandora just played 'our song', "Look After You" by the Fray. As always, it hurts. Its strange. I feel like I am moving on, but then I think about all of the memories, the time invested in each other... I remember the time in our relationship when we went to see the Fray in concert. It was in the beginning of our romance... It was good. It is gone. Matt asked me how things between Andrew and I were. I wanted to deck him in the face. I don't know how he is doing. I freaking dumped him. I'm sure he is doing great. Just like me. We're done. I am not sure how much more final I can make it...
*"We too might walk in the newness of life." Christ died. In His death, I died as well. He died so that I may die to sin and have newness of life. He died and conquered death so that He may never die again. So that I may die and live. A beautiful paradox. He freed me from sin's grasp so that I may be enslaved to Christ and righteousness. Christ didn't die so that I could live for myself. "For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law, but under grace." I am not only standing in grace, but under grace as well. "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?" I have to be renewed. How can I be renewed? By being captivated by the Word of God, by being captivated by Christ. It isn't easy. But the result is worthwhile. The depth to my love of Christ will only increase...
*8 days until Andrew McMahon. Enough said.

A Boxcar on the Beach

Overwhelmed with homework and life, I finally did the most rational thing that I could do. I ran to Christ. He met me and blessed me. O, how beautiful to know Him.
Life is hard for me. It is hard for everyone, I know. But tonight I was feeling the heat. As usual, it was my inadequacies, my failures, my lack of control over my emotions. It was confusion and bewilderment. It was a few tears. I am not 'emo'. I am broken.
I spent an hour in Romans 5. I am now secure in my failures. Because I am standing in grace. I could be doing much better this semester. I could have been doing much better in prayer and quiet times. I could swear a little less. The list goes on and on.
Do not misunderstand. I am not complacent in my failures. But I am transitioning from an unhealthy bitter disappointment in myself to a better and more beautiful understanding of costly grace.
Where death reigned, grace reigns. I am standing in grace. I have the love of God poured out in myself through the Holy Spirit. I have joy in suffering because its for my betterment. I have peace because Christ kicked death's ass.
I desire to spend time with God because I love Him, not because I think it gains me any more grace. I pursue Christ because I want to be transformed to be more like Him, because I need Him, because He is life.
I want to love Christ with an undying love. By His grace, secured on the cross, I can love Him with an undying love.
Praise God.
Praise Him for eternity.
By grace I can and will.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...

I just unceremoniously cut off the bracelet Arni made for me who knows how long ago. I can't believe that I can logically and correctly say 'who knows how long ago'. Today would have been our three year anniversary. If the pain of that realization doesn't suck, I don't know what does. This morning at breakfast, I sat with the guy who is now Insung's new roommate. "The replacement", I called him. Blow by blow, I realized just how finished things are. And how unresolved my heart is.
I didn't cut the bracelet off out of spite. I cut it off because it rubs up against my fresh tattoo. My freshly needled skin. It was kind of hurting. I probably never would have cut it off otherwise.
Last night, I shared the story of Arni and I with a girl on the floor. I got emotional... When is it going to stop hurting? Will I ever look back on this time of my life with anything other than a frown, a flinch, a tear? Sometimes I doubt it.
We talked tonight. Arni and I. Just on Facebook chat. He asked if I still loved him. I do. But it isn't the same. It won't ever be the same again. Somehow, I've learned to live without him. Its probably a good thing. I can go to Europe now. I can have my tattoo without wondering what his parents will say. But I still miss him. I miss his hugs. No one hugs me like he does. Like he did. Gosh this hurts...

Today Pastor Nathan gave such a wonderful sermon on loving Jesus. He spoke of Heaven with such longing that it almost brought me to tears. He spoke of a passionate love for Jesus that I want. Jesus is more than a chore. He isn't something to check off of a to-do list. We are to love Him with an undying love. A love that death heightens. I want to love my Jesus that way. Pastor Nathan reminded us not to get so caught up in trying to feel this love, but to simply focus on Jesus. Maybe hours spent in prayer with Him won't be such a burden. I can long for my time with Him for what it should be. Something as sweet as honey. It takes time. But I want God. I do. I just wish I didn't have to fight so much for it. Maybe having to fight for it will make it all the more precious. I do wish it were easier though.
After the sermon, Pastor Nathan gave us an invitation to pray with our friends. Another part of his sermon had been on the importance of best friends. I was so thankful for the reminder of how dear my best friends are to me. Jacquelyn and Christie, Ruth and Deanna, girls that pour into my life every day and make life all the sweeter. Sasha, who even despite the distance and the craziness in life finds time to have late night chats on Facebook... I am so incredibly blessed by the friends I have. I am blessed by great brothers who encourage me in my faith as well, guys like Zack, and David, and Sam.
So after the sermon, Jacquelyn, Christie, Amy and I all went into the stairwell to pray. It was an incredible time of prayer... the small church congregation singing of the goodness of God. I hope I never forget what it was like to be huddled in that stairway with the beautiful sound of worship behind my sisters and myself.
After church, Jacquelyn, Christie and I joined John, Tony, Abby, Katie, Ruth and several others for lunch at Des Pasadas. Being around John will always be hard for me after what happened this summer. I feel embarrassed and awkward around him, even though I shouldn't be... I don't know how to escape those feelings. And every time I see John, I think of Adam. And my skin crawls. But lunch wasn't so bad. John is nice enough.
Then came the highlight of the day--the tattoo. The whole process was over in about fifteen minutes. That includes paperwork, and two tattoos. It didn't hurt too bad. I am actually excited to get a second, and possibly even third one... It says proskuneo. Pros "towards" and kuneo "kiss". Literally to blow a kiss. Translated in Scripture as worship, prostration, or bowing in submission. I love it. It is on my forearm for all the world to see. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Dreams Deferred

When writing a story, you write the character first.
[Enter Sanyelle]

I was born and raised in a small town in central Indiana. I was born in January. I hate the winter... I have always resented that I could never have a pool party for my birthday, or any other fun outdoor activity for that matter. My idea of fun has never consisted of freezing... When I say small town, it could be smaller. We have a Wal-Mart, a bowling alley, and a movie theater. Most kids smoke pot. My elementary school was in the middle of nowhere, in a small area called Garfield. Cornfields on almost every side. It looked identical to the other two elementary schools in our district. My favorite teacher was Mrs. Markland. Without her influence in my life, I would have turned out significantly different. I would have never owned Sonny. That in itself would have changed who I was in Middle School, what I would be dreaming to do after college, and what the picture on this blog would look like.
I had a good childhood. I was happy, well looked after. I was able to take riding lessons and dance lessons. I spent almost every Friday night with my grandparents. I was privy to root beer snow cones in the summer, and staying up later than I would at home. Monday nights meant dad fixing supper and playing hide and seek in the dark. I learned No Doubt and Alanis Morisette from those Monday nights.
I loved dancing. I quit though, and I regret it.
I rode western, and the first pony that I ever got to show was Tina. We were tight. The pictures from that show include a blue cast. I broke bones, frequently, as a child.
I used to just listen to country music. Then I went to Twin Lakes Camp and heard Switchfoot. Life hasn't been the same since. I still know every word to a lot of country songs. But now I know almost every word to any Andrew McMahon song.
I am afraid of rejection. Liking unrequitedly takes a toll on a young girl quickly. I like someone even now who will never like me back.
I'm a pessimist. I wish I wasn't. Life has been kind of dim lately. I am not good at setting boundaries. If I do set them, I break them. I am predisposed to self loathing. I am afraid of being vulnerable with anyone again like I was with Andrew, because it feels wasted. I am undisciplined and lazy. I swear sometimes.
On the other hand, I am passionate. I'm a strong person. I have dreams for myself, and I will try to see them fulfilled. I am spontaneous and love adventure, to an extent. I am a reader and writer and value intelligence. I can stop caring about what other people think when I need to.

I hate mornings. I think I always have. Let me clarify. I hate waking up. I actually enjoy mornings. The state of morning. Not its earliness. The sunrise, the temperature, the dew, the birds... Not the fact that I had to become conscious to enjoy it... I love nights. I love nights in the city because of the skyscrapers and the way they glow. The way the clouds move over the city and stand out so starkly against the dark blue sky. (I love the song "Dark Blue". Ask Ruth.) I love nights in the country because of the stars. The sound of coyotes and bull frogs.

I often miss being young.
I do have regrets, many things I would do differently.
I feel like I miss Europe, and I have never been there before.
I sometimes avoid reality by always planning for the future.
I struggle with being controlling and that scares the hell out of me.
I want to be a good wife and mother some day.
I don't find it hard to be open with people.
I love Harry Potter.
I want to marry the waiter at 3rd Coast.
If I could play any instrument, I'd play the piano.
I enjoy pretending I'm the shit, even when I am most definitely not.
I want to study Psychology some day. And get my masters in English.
Dr. de Rosset is kind of my hero. I want to be her.
I can't sing, but I love it. I love music.
I want to be mature when I grow up.
I'm terrified of dying. But I think about it a lot.
Heaven is going to be great.

I love God, and I am not good enough to be His daughter. But He chose me. I wouldn't have chosen Him otherwise. I like talking to Him, but I don't do it enough. I run from Him a lot, because I am overwhelmed with how often I fail Him. I am idolatrous. This speaks so much of Him... He is patient and loving, even when I am the epitome of unloving. The absolute best thing about knowing God and being loved by Him is that no matter how good I am, He doesn't ever love me any more. If I am the most appalling of sinners, He doesn't love me any less. He loves me like He loves His Son, Jesus. It is the most sweetest love I will ever know, and I will know it for all eternity. Being the selfish, controlling, fallen human that I am, I have a hard time submitting my life to the authority of Christ. But the past few months I have been learning what it is like to live for myself. It is far worse than living a life proskuneo. (Bowing in submission) I am going to spend the rest of my life struggling and growing and learning. It frustrates me at times, but He is faithful. Despite how faithless I am.

The List

I have proskuneo written in pen on my wrist. In one week, it will be a permanent tattoo.
Ruth and I just made plans to go to Nebraska for Christmas. First road trip ever. (For me) Next year... California.
I looked at plane tickets to New Zealand for next summer. Damn. If you feel so inclined to support me financially...
Andrew McMahon. 17 days. 'Nuff said.
Europe. Must see. This includes: France, Italy, England, Scotland, Ireland, Germany, Switzerland, Romania, Spain. Anywhere I can get with whatever money I have.
Perhaps Cambodia?
Maine. Colorado. Someday soon, you better believe it.
Crossing off every book on De Rosset's reading list- hopefully before my life ends.
Writing a book that could appear on De Rosset's reading list. That may just be my new life purpose. (Not)
Seeing a kid learn to live with autism... Please, God.
Living my life with purpose and spontaneity...


Finding a man who wouldn't mind coming along? Unnecessary, but if he's hot, I won't complain.