They say that God works in mysterious ways, but right now I feel like I can understand pretty well what He is doing.
If you know me at all, or read this blog regularly, you know I like to have an idea of where my life is going. I would say that this is true of most people. You want to know what you will be doing tomorrow, next month, next year... Humans are creatures of habit. We like security.
I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to be doing. Life is one huge question mark. But, I am only 20 years old. I don't have to have everything figured out. I just wish that I didn't suck at the present. How am I supposed to do what God wants for me someday... when I can't even figure out how to do good at living life now? I am trying so hard. I really am. I am getting so incredibly discouraged by my lack of responsibility and discipline. I am out of control. There is no control left to be had. And that is what God is doing.
Today, I sat in my Creative Methods for Children feeling incredibly bitter because everything taught in that class is relative to church ministry. I just don't see myself doing that. Because if I see myself doing anything in the future- its equine therapy. My frustrations did stir one positive emotion, and that was a desire just to have my quiet time and talk to God about it. About everything. About how I overslept today, by 5 hours. How I missed American Lit, and Chapel... again. About I how I failed that exam yesterday. How badly I want to get out of this cold, wet city where there the perpetual cold and gloom makes my spirits sink even lower. I want to talk to Him about how confused I am, about how I want to know what He is doing in my life- if anything. I want to plead with Him to give my ex-boyfriend back, because it hurts. It seems unfair. If I could just have that one part of my life back... I'd be fine. Things would make more sense. I would know what I was supposed to be doing, what would be happening after I graduate. I would know better who I was...
But God is teaching me who I am in Him. I don't need to know what I am supposed to be doing with the rest of my life to know God more. And because life is so uncertain, I need Him all the more. I am driven to Him out of my fear and insecurities and my absolute need for His assurance in my life. Even if the unthinkable happens and I can't come back to Moody, or afford to go to Asbury, and life as I know it unravels, I know that He is constant. His love is constant, His mercy and grace is constant. When all else isn't, God is. It still wreaks havoc on me mentally and emotionally to be so out of control and unsure. Yet I know that God is doing a work in me. In the meantime, I do need to be doing better with what I have now. This semester has been the worst for me academically. I have never done so poorly in school. I know that I am a fairly intelligent person, so I feel like I am taking advantage of what God has given me.
Today has just been a bad day for me. It is hard not to be overwhelmed with discouragement. But if the very least that it does is drive me to my Lord, then I guess its not such a bad deal.
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