I Am Understood?

I couldn't express this better... so I'll let Relient K do it for me:
"Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified
And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood
And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go
You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely
And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then
The noise has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation
Your voice has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation"

Tonight I began packing up all my belongings for moving out of, and then back into, my dorm. I am a packrat, and have a lot of things to sort through. Among them are countless gifts from Andrew. I have a gigantic stuffed dog that he won me at King's Island, a scrapbook I made of our 2 and a half year relationship, picture after picture after picture. I have a nice digital camera, a diamond ring, a silver necklace... all wonderful gifts from a wonderful guy that I had to give up, I began thinking about what exactly I was forfeiting in giving up this relationship, and what I thought I needed in order to be 'happy' with someone. I feel safe in saying that there are few people who know me better than Andrew. Being known like that is special, and wonderful, and hard to explain. But I began thinking, why is it that I feel I want to give up on someone who knows me so well, which lead me to thinking, what is the difference in being known by a person, and then being understood... (I realize that my thought processes may be slightly hard to comprehend, but bear with me.)
According to Dictionary.com Know is:"to perceive or understand as fact or truth; to apprehend clearly and with certainty"
Understand is:"to perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend"
To me, the difference in knowledge and understanding is subtle, but significant. Andrew knows me. He knows about, more about me than most. He knows my passions. He knows my past. He knows my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my desires. But does he undesrtand them. Does he comprehend and perceive why?
I would argue that in some areas, Andrew does understand. In others, he doesn't. Yet, will anyone fully understand Sanyelle Lee Sandusky? Will I ever understand myself? I would argue that there is only One who will ever understand fully. He created me. He knows the details of my past better than myself. He understands my love for horses because He gave it to me. He understands my passion for children because He created me that way. He understands the way that I think because He wove me together in my mother's womb... He understands my pain, my fears, my desires better than anyone ever will. One of the reasons that I ended my relationship with Andrew was because we are both lacking in a lot of things that are necessary for making a relationship work. There are things that he needs to mature in and that I need to mature in. However, for me it was more than that. I have a great passion for things that he does not, and vise versa. I love thinking and talking about theology, about psychology, about philosophy. Andrew knows this about me, but he doesn't understand this about me. Andrew loves technology, computers, and cars. He is incredibly gifted in knowing and understanding those things. He thinks differently than I do. I know this about Andrew, but I don't understand it. These are things important to us, that we care a lot about. I wonder, is it selfish to want to be understood? Is it selfish to end a wonderful relationship on a basis such as this... Granted it is not the only reason... What it really boils down to is that I will never be understood fully by myself, let alone a man, even one that I love deeply. I want a husband who has similar passions as me, who thinks more like me, who I can understand better and who can understand me better. Yet he will never fully satisfy me. There is only one who understands me... If I seek fulfillment in this area outside of the Lord, I will always be disappointed. If I depend on being understood by other people, then i will be disappointed. I don't think its wrong to desire to be understood by others, but I know I will always be left lacking if I search for it in others before tasting it in God.

The Life of a Summer Moody Student: Day One "Take Three"

You will notice that in the title of this note, there is the phrase ‘take three’. This is due to the fact that as I was at the end of writing this note, my computer deleted it. Naturally, since I will not be defeated by this man-made malfunctioning piece of ----, I took it upon myself to rewrite from memory all of the witty things I had said in my first attempt. In the midst of rewriting the second note, the computer did it again. Alas, here I am recounting my events for the third time, resisting the urge to break the window and this computer in one quick and therapeutic move. *Ahem.

I sit on the one square foot of my bed that isn’t covered by all my partially unpacked luggage. I barely have room for my feet between my bed and dresser. This implies that I am unable to actually use my dresser because of its ridiculously close proximity to the bed. This is the way that the room was set up for me… and I haven’t had the time to rearrange the furniture in this small dorm room. When I look out my window, I see Moody. Ah yes, nothing like seeing the clock tower I walk past on my way to class. Nothing like seeing the other wing of the dorm I live in. Who wouldn’t want to stare out at the plaza with the four trees that Moody has on its campus? I wouldn’t trade this view for anything. Not for the Sears Tower, or the Hancock Tower. Give me these plain brick buildings any day. I sit here in my bed exhausted after spending a day hiking around the city looking for my bank. Why must I look for my bank, you ask? Well dear reader, let me explain. I apparently bank with the most obscure bank in all of Chicago. Bank of America? Too stable. I need a bank that closes and disappears over night. Chase Bank? Too frequent. I need a bank that doesn’t occupy every street corner, and isn’t within four miles of where I live. You see, I just love to be inconvenienced in every aspect. That’s why I bank with Charter One.Why must I walk four miles to get to my bank, you ask. Well, due to the aforementioned qualities of my bank and my lack of a Upass or money, I must walk. First I must walk to where my bank was. Then I must call Ruth so she can look up where my bank is. It just so happens to be on the other side of Gold Coast. So, without a Upass or money for a transit card, I get to enjoy a long walk. My feet will thank me when they stop aching and are a little stronger. My stomach grumbles in aggravation. It demands more calories for this kind of lifestyle. It reminds me, politely, “Sanyelle, Tuna lunch kits and Goldfish crackers are not a substantial diet.” I reply, “Its okay, stomach. In eleven more weeks you can have Moody food again!” It turns, and not with excitement. So, here I am with a laptop in my lap that heats to 120 degrees Fahrenheit. I am currently burning a hole in my jeans, but I hear its fashionable these days…. The rest of my clothes are waiting for me in the dryer, and I have library books that will be overdue in a few hours. Don’t worry, dear reader. There will be more to come.

Real Drugs

I have to write, because if I don't, the thoughts clutter my head and I can't focus on what I need to be focusing on, only what I can't get out of my head. My greatest distraction in life right now is my future. It will always be my greatest distraction. I always think ahead, think of what I want to be, where I am going to be, who I am going to be with. I rarely think about now. Only when I have to. Thinking about the past is sometimes too painful, so I think about what could be... my hopes, dreams, and desires. I have so much that I want to do, that I want to accomplish, and only aprroximately 80 years to do it. Rats.

There are things that I enjoy, but am not good at.
There are things that I am good at, but don't have time to enjoy.
There are things that I want to be, but won't ever be.
There are things that I want to do, but won't get paid for.
I want to be a dancer. When I am listening to music, I am internally choreographing dances in my mind. Granted, they wouldn't look good in actuallity, and I am not the best dancer, but I delight in dancing, in listening to music. I love singing as well, but we won't even go down that road...I want to be a writer. I love writing. LOVE it. I enjoy writing about my perceptions, beliefs, and experiences. If I had time, I would like to write an actual novel, but I don't want to make a fool of myself. I may have a way with words, but I don't think I could write a novel worth reading... Not some great piece of literature like Twilight...
I want to be a better theologian. Theology is starting to mean a lot more to me the more that I get into it. To some people its unimportant, and a waste of time. They say it doesn't matter, that we just need to love God. God it theology. Theo- God logy- discourse.... It's necessary, and its fascinating, and I'm learning so much about God. There is so much more to learn and I am actually really excited about Systematic Theology.
I want to be a philosopher. After taking Introduction to Philosophy, I was able to learn to think about other perspectives, consider the validity, and stretch my mind in order to understand totally different worldviews. Metaphysics...Epistemology...Ethics summarized by Socratese, Plato, Descartes, Hume, and Kant. Brushing the surface of Hyper(post)modernity. I like thinking about things bigger than myself, strange to me. I wish I could be an academician. Unfortunately I am not that smart...
I want to be a wife. This is kind of obvious I guess. I almost had the privelege of being Andrew Smith's wife, but I don't think that will ever be. I love loving, being loved. I don't think I would make a great housewife, but I could learn... while juggling my careers as a dancing, writing, academician. Along with that, I cannot wait to be a mother! I love children. I love having a baby in my arms. Seeing a mother with her child is such a beautiful thing and I can't wait to have that.
I want to be an equine therapist. I spent most of my time in middle school and elementary school with horses. I learned so much about them, how to ride them, train them, knew their bone structure, how to care for them. Coupling that passion with my love of children, I would enjoy spending the rest of my life ministering to children with disabilities, sharing with them my love of animals, and using the love of Christ to shape and transform kids. I wish I could be all of these things, and maybe they will alll have their time. I have to learn to be patient and pursue my dreams in God's time and in His way.

"Ask And You Will Receive, And Your Joy Will Be Complete"

John 16:16-24
16"In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me." 17Some of his disciples said to one another, "What does he mean by saying, 'In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,' and 'Because I am going to the Father'?" 18They kept asking, "What does he mean by 'a little while'? We don't understand what he is saying." 19Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, "Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, 'In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me'? 20I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Tonight in small group, we discussed the passage in John describing Jesus turning water into wine at the wedding in Cana. I was challenged to see the verse in a different light than what had been previously taught to me. Through discussion of what joy is and where we seek and find joy, I began to think about joy in the context of my life, and particularly relationships. The more I thought, and the more I wrote about it when I returned home, the more I realized I was missing out on something great and life changing. All of this time, I have been trading the full joy of Christ for the cheap thrills of this world, and the temporary happiness found in my relationship.

I was in a relationship with a great guy for nearly three years. In this relationship, I thought I had all I needed to be happy, to have joy in life and in a marriage. If I was having a bad day, issues with my family, or if I was just worn thin, I had Andrew to call and to cry to. He would comfort me, and I would accept his counsel and be ‘satisfied’. If I was having financial problems or needed something, he wouldn’t hesitate to offer me help, to pay for my school bill or buy me what I needed. When it came to finding love and affection, Andrew was never lacking. I could turn to him to make me smile, to make me feel pretty and loved and cherished.Yet there is pain in my life that Andrew couldn’t begin to understand. There were days when all he could do is sit with me while I mourned for my family. There were financial burdens that even he couldn’t solve with his money. There were times when even after telling me I was beautiful and that he loved me for who I was, I still didn’t feel good about myself. All the while, there was Christ. This Savior who finds joy in me, waiting until I found mine in Him. He knows my pain, my financial burdens, and He died for me… What more could I possibly ask for? Why is it that I am so prone to searching elsewhere, anywhere, for joy outside of Him, the ultimate giver of joy? Why is it that I can begin to ascertain this joy, but can’t seem to obtain it? My sinful heart would rather have control and immediate gratification than to patiently sit at the feet of Jesus and just enjoy Him. When Jesus turned water into wine at Cana, he was doing more than just saving the skin of the host. He was introducing the people in Galilee to a taste of something far greater. I long to say with the Psalmist,

Psalm 63:1-8
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
2So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,beholding your power and glory.
3Because your steadfast love is better than life,my lips will praise you.
4So I will bless you as long as I live;in your name I will lift up my hands.
5My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
6when I remember you upon my bed,and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
7for you have been my help,and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
8My soul clings to you;your right hand upholds me.

I want God to be most glorified in me because I am most satisfied in Him.
I want to cry out with David Crowder, “You are my joy!” and mean it and express it with a lifestyle of contentedness in Christ…
If Romeo never comes around and I am a single woman for the rest of my life, I want to go to bed every night knowing that I don’t need the love of any man as long as I have Christ.
If the money doesn’t come through and I pack my bags and leave Moody, I want to savor the presence of my Savior even if it isn’t in Houghton Hall.
If my dreams for myself don’t pan out, I want to rest assured knowing that I can have joy in the dreams He has for me.

He is all that I need, and I will learn to believe it, and live my life with a full joy that can never be taken away. “Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.”

Summer in the City: Day Three "Watch Me As I Digress"

I wish that my thoughts weren’t so prone to wonder. I wish I had better command of my mind. I wish my stomach didn’t flutter when I see you, that butterflies didn’t crowd in my abdomen at the thought of seeing you. I wish so badly that I didn’t feel this way, but I do. I wish these feelings were a switch that I could turn off and on. The feelings feel good, but they aren’t fair. They aren’t fair to anyone. They leave me nearly insane because they slip out of my control and my fingers are grasping for something that isn’t meant to be had. I tell myself I am unrealistic, hopeless. I am chasing after the wind. I won’t ever get a hold of this. I need more time. There is someone out there for me, and against all hope, I bet it isn’t you. So I wait, and I try not to look at you longer than I should, and I pray that you will never notice. I am a young, foolish, twenty year old. I bite my tongue, shake my head and tell myself to move on.It won’t be soon, but I will fight like hell to get over you. I am finding it harder and harder to be myself. I am finding that I hate being a woman sometimes. I don’t think men will ever have a clue as to how hard it is to be a woman. What it is to know what you want, but being unable to go after it. To sit and ‘be at peace’ and hope that some guy will fall in love with me. That the right guy will fall in love with me. It is so hard to be patient, to be the one with all the feelings and to wait for someone to feel that way about me. To have emotions that are so inconsistent and uncontrollable that even I can’t understand them… let alone expect someone else too. Regardless of being a woman or a man, I can’t lose sight of who I am in Christ- a sinner redeemed by God’s grace. It is so easy for me to complain in my state of discontentedness rather to enjoy who God made me. I am just at a new stage in my life, alone for the first time in a very long time, anxious to love again (even though I am not ready). I don’t know why I am so afraid of living life now. Living for today instead of my future. I guess it’s just a part of my controlling tendencies. I have plans for myself, things that I want badly but can’t have. And I would rather dream about tomorrow then live for today. Maybe it’s because today is so uncertain that I live for a tomorrow that I have devised in my mind. I spend so much time thinking about where to go from here, the man that I want to be with, the children that I want to have, the place that I want to live, the classes I will be taking next semester. The end of the summer when my life goes back to normal… But not today, when I am not sure how to provide for myself and I am caught in feelings that I can’t escape, having feelings that aren’t returned. Insecure, alone. Suffering through growing pains… I know my tendencies. I know my sin. I know my faults to a tee. I see how all of the things above are just indicators of something deeper, more sinister inside myself. I see that I am looking to take care of myself, live my own life. I see that I am relying on this unnamed dream that I have, this knight to sweep me off of my feet and give me the security I long for. I’m Sanyelle. I know Sanyelle better than anyone else. I know who I should marry, where I should go when I’m done with Moody. I am Sanyelle, but I don’t know her best. And this nameless knight will not know me best. I won’t take care of myself. Nor will he. There is only One. So why on earth do I do these things to myself? Why can’t I just let go? God made the universe, for goodness sake, and I can’t trust Him with my future, my love life, my hope and dreams? Where is this disconnect? For the rest of my life I will be learning. Does it come back to this thing about joy? Does it come back to the fact that I try to find my joy in everything, anything, anyone but Christ? Is it my desire for control in security because up to this point in life I’ve had anything but security and stability? Is it just the fact that I am sinful? A sinful, incompetent human being that just wants to be competent, and on my own terms? I will always be wrestling through these issues… Hopefully I will continue to grow, to keep on giving over my strong will and desires to the Lord of my life, and take joy in doing so…

I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano...

There are situations that we face that upset the course of life as we know it, situations that rock our world, leave us breathless, and in the wake of their destruction they render us helpless and senseless. 

I feel senseless. Or so overwhelmed with my senses that I cannot manage them enough to make heads or tails of what I need to do, or don't need to do. I wish that I was numb, unfeeling, cold, callous, insensitive. Yet, I do not want that either. What is life if we do not feel, and what are we if we do not love? Pain is a very real part of life, and I know that what happens in this life, although I do not understand it, God allows it for a reason. I don't have to understand, but I want to. I want to know why my mom's mental issues are tearing apart our family. I want to know why my dad can't stop smoking. I want to know why things are going to fall apart like they are.

Why is it that I feel so responsible even though I am not. Why do I feel like I should have all the answers, make all the right choices, when its not my place. How do I cope with this impending feeling of doom. I cannot run from my problems. I can't run from my family. I can't run from my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. As much as I would love to run from this life, to not have to deal with all of this stuff that is so far out of my control.... I somehow have to face it, come to terms with it. I would much rather die than deal with the repercussions of sin any longer. Is that cowardice, or just a healthy longing for the eternity that God has promised me?

A Little Bit of Frustration... A Lot of God's Goodness

First, let me say that the transfer from my original Blogspot account to a google account was hellish... Its such hassle to go through to write a blog. Now I don't even want to write my blog. Oh well, I really want to give an update on what God has been doing in my life these past few weeks. 

Here's an excerpt from my journal a few days ago:

"October 8

I feel like for the moment, I am looking at life through rose colored lenses. Life seems to be fluctuation between two extremes, very hard and overwhelming, and then suddenly, God's grace is overflowing. Not that God's grace isn't always overflowing, it is just more clear to me. I guess the way that I am seeing God's grace the most is in my relationship with Andrew. The relationship has been so marred by sin, by selfishness, and God has allowed it to continue to grow. Andrew and I have been growing much more intimate emotionally, and it is a beautiful thing to finally see happening. And I feel content in God's will for me. Its strange that this sudden intimacy has followed my prayer for God to take my heart, which is rightfully His. I feel like I gave God my heart when I got saved and then when I met Andrew, I essentially allowed him to have my whole heart. And being a sinful person, he hurt my heart. He put cracks and chips in it. But it is God who deserves my whole heart and He can heal my heart. I have always felt that, in order to reclaim my heart, God would require me to give up Andrew, but this is not the way that God is leading me. I don't know. I don't understand the way that God works, and I don't need to. All I know is that He is doing a work in Andrew and I and in our relationship." 

That was the 8th, and on the 11th (today) I went to the Garfield Park Conservatory for a day of rest with some people from school. It was probably one of the best days I've had since being here at Moody. It was incredible. The gardens were beautiful, and I sat in a small grove of trees on a blanket in the grass. The weather was absolutely beautiful. I will share a little bit of what I wrote while lying there in the grass. 

"My Sabbath

God it is so good of You to let me enjoy You, especially here in Chicago. How good of You to let me lie in the grass, under a tree, soaking in the sights, smell and feel of nature! God, You are so good! I do not deserve all the blessings You have bestowed upon me! You have blessed me with life, love, friendship, and most importantly salvation! You are a creative, beautiful God and I am in awe of Your creativity! Seeing all of the flowers that You have designed given life to, it leaves me in awe of You. The way that you kiss me with breeze and embrace me with the warmth of sunshine, God You made me this way so that You can satisfy me! And I have spent so much time chasing other things. Please forgive me. It was You who created me, who gave me desires and passions, and You can give me fulfillment! It is You God, only You! I want to proclaim 'Knowing You, Jesus, Knowing You, there is no greater thing.' "

Today was a learning experience. I learned a lot about how God feels about me, and how He fulfills me in many ways, including Andrew. It is amazing to me that God does not only love me, He delights in me. Today I found delight in Him as well, which is a very beautiful thing to have. I think about all the people in the world who do not know the love of God, and I realize that I have taken for granted the blessing I have in knowing God. How could I have possibly made it through this life without the love of God. I don't think that I could, and if I did, then I would be a miserable soul. God created me, my personality which some people do not like, my passionate independent spirit that makes submission hard... He gave me a strong sense of emotion, and an indescribable joy in nature. And He loves me. He loves me. He does not just love me, he delights in me. He made me the way He wanted me to be, and despite all the ways that I manage to mess up, He still delights in me... That is something that I can't grasp. But it is a freeing thing to try to understand. Shawn McDonald has a song called free with lyrics that say "I want to be free, free to dance and free to sing. Free to live and love and free, free to be me!" God gives me the freedom to be me, and He cherishes it. 

Another thing I came to better understand today is how this boy fits into my life. I have a hard time balancing where my heart should be, such as ministry and marriage, loving Christ and loving Arni. What I have learned today is that it can all be the same thing. My marriage is going to be a ministry, and while it is not right now, I need to be focusing on the ministries that God has given me and enjoy what I can do as a 'single' woman. Also, my love for Christ is going to be a very different love then my love for Arni, its just a matter of how I show my love for both. If I am so wrapped up in loving Arni, that I forget to seek out Christ and give Him the love that He deserves, then that is where the problem lies. And I admit, I have pushed Christ to the side in order to give more of myself to Arni. Yet, loving Christ means loving Arni, and I need to realize that as well. I just need to make sure that my priorities are where they should be while I am still in this season of singleness. 

I have more that I could say about the impact of this day, and on other things that have been going on in my life, but I shall save that for another blog...