I jogged out to my old beat up Taurus. I could barely see my breath. The ground was soggy, and the grass smelled wet with the rain that had fallen in the past hours. I looked up briefly at the sky, catching a glimpse of clouds and stars. It felt somehow strange and perfectly normal to be standing in the Lewis' front yard. Being at Sasha's house practically epitomizes my high school years. There were weeks where I spent more time at her house than I did my own.
The whole evening had been kind of surreal. I sat in the auditorium of my home church watching the youth group lead our evening service. They did a puppet skit that I had done when I was in high school. I barely recognized any of the kids in the youth group. Things were so different since when I was in the youth group. Back then we had actually had a youth pastor...
I realize now that not only has my church changed so much since I attended, but I have changed so much. I wonder if the 17 year old me would recognize the 21 year old me, or would have believed it if someone told her that she would someday have tattoos, had moved on past Arni, and would have a taste for things she never thought was okay.
I never dreamed that I would have a life without Arni in it. I used to think that tattoos were trashy (mostly because of my mom) and that drinking was wrong (because of my church). I never thought that I would enjoy the music I do today. I dress differently now. I have grown up, for the most part. And the most formative years of my 'growing up' have taken place in downtown Chicago.
How different would I be if I had gone to Cedarville or Grace? I wouldn't have met the people that have had the greatest influence on how I think. The past year has completely transformed the way that I see myself and the way that I think about God. I am still being challenged all the time in how I think about God. Its not even the professors that I have, but more so the friends that I have. My friends are so diverse and come from such different walks of life, all bringing into the mix a different way to think about things and consider God.
I think my environment has a lot to do with how I think and act too. Living and working in downtown Chicago has definitely given me an edge and a confidence that I would lack if I had stayed in a small town. I also live in a city with countless options of tattoo parlors. This combined with the fact that my best friend and every other Moody student has a tattoo led to my own tattoos. I also live in a city where there are literally countless bars and pubs on seemingly every block of Chicago. Seeing this lifestyle playing out in front of me every weekend has also had an influence on how I think.
What if I had never left Crawfordsville? What if I had stayed and done community college like so many of my friends and just stayed and worked here. I feel like my spiritual growth would have been stunted. Not to say that people who don't go to Bible College can't grow more spiritually, but I have had the chance to sit under the tutelage of great biblical scholars, and have had my faith challenged and stretched in ways I never would have dreamed possible if I had stayed home.
However, I do know that God gave me a desire to see the world, to stretch my horizons constantly. Even Chicago is growing old on me. I am ready for newer and better things. I am glad that He has called me out of my comfort zone into different places. I am glad that He has given me a passion for things that will provide plenty of exciting years. I am glad that He brought me into Chicago, a place where I could grow into myself.
It does cause me to question how much of a person is genuine personality, and how much of a person is just effected by environment. I have always had a desire to be 'rebellious'. I have always loved dying my hair and changing my looks. There are people in my life, such as Jacquelyn, who encourage those tendencies in me. But there are other aspects of my current lifestyle that I know are just because I live in a big city... I guess as time goes on, and I move from place to place, I will learn more of what I am really made of. One thing that will never change is the work of God in my life, which I am thankful that He will continue, no matter where I am at.
It is time to bid farewell to the quiet, small town part of myself for now. Perhaps I will come back to it again.
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