fragments

The sky above Chicago at twilight is a beautiful robin egg blue. The skyscrapers are bathed in a pale glow from the sun sinking in the west. It is a cool spring evening, and my window is cracked to let in the chill breeze.

I sit and listen to music, my thoughts throbbing in my head. Spring break taught me so many things. Most importantly, and most terrifyingly:

I am closing the door on home. And I don't have the faintest idea who I am.

I have divided myself into so many pieces, I cannot decipher what parts of me are real, and what parts are not. I know what I long for. I know who I want to be. I know who I want in my life, and who I don't want. Yet who I am, at my core, is a mystery.

Of late, I am constantly plagued by the same thoughts that have formed painful themes in heart and mind. And my greatest problem is probably that I cannot manage to disconnect my heart from my mind.

I am constantly restless, and this forms a thirst for new and exciting things. There is so much in life to experience, and life is so short, I want to be able to experience as much of it as I can. There is so much to see, so much to do... Yet I am stuck in the monotony of school work, and the endless grind of homework and working to pay my school bills. I am far from where my heart roams. I long to be around horses, around people that are broken and needy, places I have never been before.

I long for stability too. I want a place that I can come to when my heart does long to pause and rest. I want a community that is safe for me, where I will find love and support. I have this at Moody, but no where else. In the next three years, my Moody family will be scattered across the world, and I will have to rebuild again, or come to terms with what it means to be lonely.

This desire for stability plays off of my need to have someone to love, and to be loved by. As for now, I want a relationship, but am not quite ready for the serious commitment of marriage and settling down. I am simply not ready for that. I am looking for it in the future, but for now I want someone in my life to share my sense of adventure and to enjoy what it is to be young and not tied down by excessive responsibility. I just want to have a lot of fun for now, and make the commitment later... With that commitment comes the stability that I long for. Someone who I can come 'home' to, no matter where 'home' is.

At the end of the day though, the only one who can meet all my deepest needs is God. He is the only one Who is truly constant in my life, but it is hard to find all of my satisfaction in Him. He is the One who understands and knows me, better than I know me. He knows my needs and is faithful to meet them, and I know He is the One who will always be with me, no matter where I find myself.

There is always so much more to say. And I finish this post feeling sufficiently dissatisfied.