I am not my own...

Prior to yesterdays post, I had not updated in over 2 months... One reason for this was for the majority of my Christmas break, I was taking a break in my relationship with technology. Another reason is that there was not much good for me to say. My life hasn't been horrible- there wasn't an absence of good things in my life- but I had let my circumstances drag me into a very wrong state of heart and mind.

However, throughout the most of Christmas break, I did find moments of healing even in the midst of a bout of depression. On December 25, after reading Psalm 143, I wrote:

"I am learning a lot about myself and my deep need for a relationship with God. I am finding that my heart is starting to resound more and more with David and his Psalms... My soul often despairs as I realize how much pain there is in life. But there is good in it. I realize more and more my need for healing, my need for a heavenly Father, and a heavenly lover. "

On the 27th:

"I still also struggle with the fact that so many of my desires are in contradiction with the Gospel, with the will of God. Its so hard to continually put those things to death. It become exhausting, to constantly fight myself and struggle to always persevere and not take the 'easy way out', which all leads to my constant propensity to self loathing."

Jan 1st:

"'Joy: an unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction'- C.S Lewis"

Jan 2nd:

"Despair is an awful, awful thing. It is the loss of hope, the last flame flickering and dying, plunging you into an abyss of darkness. It is the thought of a loved one being in a place, that if it were yourself, you would never survive. My mother may never know or understand my love for her. She may die thinking that her children and husband hated her. The thought makes me ill. I despair- because I cannot see reconciliation or healing. I can only see the pain in my past and the future heartache that is always ever in store for my family."

Jan 3rd:

"My self-diagnosis? Depression. Also known as a predisposition to feel like shit about myself. But not only that- a longing for my innocence, for the summer of 2006, lying in the grass, midsummer with Catie, wondering if this could be what heaven is like. Cliffy throwing an ant lion in my hair, night swims, star gazing, John Reuben, Michael and our twin-ness, falling for the lifeguard. Everything was great then. My family was still intact. I can't really remember the bad things. Just all the good."

Jan 4th:

"I admire Amanda and her lifestyle so much, and the way she lives gives me so much to consider. What would my life look like if I closed out the influences of the world? Stopped watching TV and movies and got rid of my secular music? Is that even realistic for a 20 year old college student? ... And Friday I am seeing Arni. Good old Arni. If I married him, I could have the life I think I've always wanted. But I am think I am certifiable and that this is a horrid idea. I want a guy who will pursue me, fight for me, fight with me! It just sucks that I gave Arni a good 2 1/2 years. Not that it was time wasted. But now I'm in debt 2000 dollars to his family. Damn. And his parents dislike me. I burnt that bridge with my heretical blog. Hmm. Well I guess we'll see how fucked up things can get..."

Jan 5th:

"In reading Colossians it is so interesting to me the way in which Paul describes the death of Christ in legal terms, discussing authority, circumcision, ,trespasses and the like. The most beautiful thing is this: My God took on fullness of flesh while maintaining the fullness of deity and His authority. In His death and resurrection, He defeated and shamed evil and cancelled the debt of sin owed by believers. Jesus paid it all. All to Him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain, He washed it white as snow. My debt is paid! I've been set free! God sees my as justified. Praise Him!"

Such was my Christmas break: a roller coaster of depression and discoveries of the heart of God for me, and my need for Him. Upon returning to Moody, I let myself go spiritually, and God has been slowly but surely nagging at my heart again.

So many bad habits have cluttered my heart and I have bowed to false god, after false god, after false god. Today, Pastor Nathan preached a sermon that I feel was just for me.

[Preface] Yesterday, I was on a train for 3.5 hours, which gave me a long time to think. The song "Holy" by Nicole Nordeman came on my Zune (which seems to have an uncanny tendency to find the minority of music that is Christian and play it while on shuffle). The song really got to me and started a long thought process of re-evaluating my lifestyle of late.

So here it is; the culmination of the train ride, reading the Bible for the first time in a long time last night, and the powerful sermon this morning:

God gave everything for me. Everything.

For the Israelites, their very existence was hinged on their relationship to the Creator God. Every part of their day was oriented towards God. Their lives were acts of worship- giving, thanking, praying, sacrificing, celebrating... Their entire identity rested on God. They knew that all that they had was from Him: the food they ate, their freedom from bondage, the clothes they wore, the crops they harvested. It was all from God. On their last night in Egypt, God spared them from the punishment he exacted on the Egyptians. Although during their tenure in Egypt, the Israelites too had turned to false gods and were equally deserving of punishment, God provided a way for them to be spared- a brilliant foreshadowing of Christ's work on the cross. After they found their freedom, He asked for the consecration of their firstborns, not only of their firstborn sons, but the firstborn of their livestock and later, the firstfruits of their harvest. The children would be consecrated to the LORD. The sheep would be sacrificed. Even the donkeys would have to be atoned for. Why? So that the Israelites were reminded that they owed their very existence to Yahweh. He in turn demanded the best of them, their worship, their love. The Shema demands that we love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, and might. I cannot say in honesty that I have ever been able to love God that way. I will never be able to love Him the way that He deserves to be loved.

I do not understand, when I am reminded almost every day that I am in a relationship with a God who gave Himself fully for me, why I am not compelled to love Him above all else. Why it is that although I have a God who loves me so completely, and only wishes to see me become conformed to the likeness of His Son (which is the best possible existence to have), I always turn to other things in life to find satisfaction and pleasure? Why am I not so compelled to love God, and live every single day as an act of worship and devotion to Him? Where is the disconnect in my feeble human mind? He is God. The One True God. The God who died for me. The God whose purpose for my life is to enjoy Him, and therefore be glorified. Why do I spend so much of my life face down in front of the idol of self? Why do I run from Him? What must He do to fully have my heart. That is a scary thought. But it compels me to pray and plead for God to continue to break me, to remind me of my need for Him. Today was a good reminder. There are many things in my life that must be killed... The process will be a long one, until the day that I die. But He is faithful, and will not leave me here in this mess I have made of myself.

There is much more to be said, more that I would like to reflect on... but there will be more time for that. The bottom line is this:

I am not my own, for I have been made new.

Living for myself must be stopped. Living for Him, enjoying Him, serving Him; it must commence.