The Long and Short of It

While he was gone, it was easy for me to say, "I can do this". When he wasn't there to pass in the tunnels at school, and to walk with me places at night when no one else could, it was easy to say "Its finally over". When he was thousands of miles away in China, I thought I could resist. Now I am thinking "There is no way". I thought that he wasn't what I really wanted. I thought that there were things about him that I just couldn't reconcile myself to. I thought I wanted someone who was passionate about the things I was passionate about, who shared my interests as well. I thought I wanted someone older, more mature. I still think these things sometimes. But now, when he is here, and making me laugh, and saying all the right things at all the right times- I think that he is really what I wanted all along. Yes, there are things that we both need to change, but isn't it possible that we can do this growing and changing together. I mean, aren't we going to have to learn to balance 'us' and God while we are still 'us'?

Dating and marrying Andrew wouldn't be a sin, would it? I know that there is idolatry in our relationship, a worship of each other and of the relationship itself. I know that that has to change. I know that I need him to learn how to step up and be a leader. I know that it would be foolish to get married now, as we are.

But every person I talk to gives me different advice! To some its apparently been obvious for a while now. To others, they don't understand why we can't just be together. We love each other. We do want to be together. So why not?

Why was I feeling so convicted that this was right, but I now feel like its all wrong? The past month that he was my ex-boyfriend I was miserable and confused. Now I'm happy and confused. I know that I was grown and stretched while he was gone, and I know there is a lot more room for improvement...

I know breaking up is not impossible. I feel like getting him out of my life is impossible. I have a ring he gave me on my finger, a bracelet he made for me on my wrist. I am using a computer he bought me that I owe him for. Next to me is the huge stuffed dog he wasted too much money on at a King's Island. The journals I write in are from him. Some of the clothes I wear were bought by him or his parents. My promise ring is still in a puzzle box he brought me from Florida... He is in my thoughts consistently. He was the man I was planning to marry next summer. We had even picked out a dog that we wanted... I still want him to be the man that I marry. I don't want to try to run from everything that represents him in my life. I want to be his. I don't know what to do with my doubts.

I wish God could just give me a call and let me know what the hell I am supposed to be doing right now.
Because I sure don't know. I love him. But I know we aren't where we are supposed to be right now. I just don't know how to fix it. I don't know what I want. I am twenty years old with my whole life ahead of me. I just want to please God, grow up, have it all together, and someday be his wife.

Maybe I should just suck it up and work as hard as I can to keep him at a distance and see what happens. Maybe I should just screw it and be his girlfriend again and pray that God would change both of our hearts. It is our hearts that are the issue, after all.

Oi.

I do not know.

But I do need to make a decision.

Four hour train ride, here I come.

Please, God, give me some direction. Open my eyes, open my heart.