Here I am.

There is a square door in my ceiling that I have never noticed before. I wonder where it goes to. I wouldn't have noticed it if I hadn't flopped down on my bed in despair, listening to Andrew McMahon and imagining how wonderful he looks as he is playing the piano. I don't imagine that I will ever accomplish anything again until I finish the Order of the Phoenix, or chuck it out my window. In the meantime, I am picking up some fun British lingo.
My room smells like fish. There is rootbeer spilled on my mattress. Two cans of Sprite, two cans of Mountain Dew, one Portillo's cup, and three cups from the Commons on my desk. A McDonald's sweet tea at the foot of the bed. Yes, I do need to clean. And I have to be at work in eight hours. I should also sleep.
I have seriously contemplated giving up school and spending the rest of my life in a saddle. It would need to be seventy degrees and sunny at all times. Perhaps I am thinking of heaven.
If I were Donnie Darko, I would never have said the words "I love you, but I just don't like you." Things would have ended up so differently. I would have also decked Adam in the face and asked him what the hell he was doing. Maybe then I could wake up from this nightmare. Also, if I was Donnie Darko, I think I would never stop looking in the mirror.
Last pickup line I heard was, "Oh, you're a childrens ministry major? Well, I'm like a child. A mature child."
I feel hopeless when it comes to dealing with guys. Even as I think, "Sanyelle, this is a pretty awful idea..." my mouth opens and words come spilling out. I shock myself sometimes. And then spend hours kicking myself.
I would never date a vampire. Love never comes without risk, but I do draw the line somewhere.
I still wear the diamond promise ring Arni gave me. On my right hand. Its too pretty to sit in my puzzle box.
Free will is an immensely intriguing subject to talk about, but the thought of eternity makes my stomach ache. I would rather ponder the complexities of time within the context of how every decision and event effects my life and choices rather than try to wrap my mind around the concept of living forever. Ironically, I never want to die.
Yet I think of death a lot. "Do you feel when your last breath is gone?" "Love is watching someone die." "Every living creature dies alone."
Konstantine is one of my favorite songs. He never sings it the same. I don't blame people for begging McMahon to sing it at his Jack's Mannequin concerts. I may include the lyrics at the end of this post. I don't expect you to feel the same way about the song.
MGMT gives me nightmares if I fall asleep listening to it. Can you blame me? Last time I was listening to it, I woke up kicking the crap out of my cat thinking it was Frank the rabbit. I know- yikes. Speaking of MGMT and rabbits- Alice in Wonderland is coming out in March. Who could be a better Mad Hatter than Johnny Depp. No one, I am convinced.
Sometimes I wonder if I am better off alone. Marriage is the Moody theme, but I would think if they were such strong advocates of marriage, they would provide a better batch of prospects. Ouch. I just don't want to be a better pastor's wife. Sorry, boys. Where are all the tall skinny guys with dark hair and dark eyes, covered in tattoos and playing the piano? (Preferably more than just hymns...) Yeah. My prince will come. Who hasn't heard that one once a week? Of late, I have been boy crazy. Perhaps just crazy. I do spend a lot of time in cramped bathrooms with enough chemicals to make a decent meth lab. Okay. Enough procrastinating. I'll spend another 20 minutes copying the Konstantine lyrics, and then using poor judgment, will probably go to sleep rather than working on cleaning my room for room inspection.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand
All the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big... dreams
It's always you in my big dreams
And you tell me
That it's over
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
And you're restless
And I'm naked
You've got to get out
You can't stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go
I didn't think so
And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say
The present's just a pleasant
Interruption to the past
And you don't want to look much closer
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky by now had... crashed
And it did because of me
And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no
And I'm sleeping in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live
I had these dreams, in them I learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rock star
And there was hope in me
That I could take you there
But damn it you're so young
But I don't think I care
And if I hurt you thenIi'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy
And then you bring me home
'Cause we both know what it's like to be alone, no
And I'm dreaming in your living room
But we don't have much room
To live
And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good
Standing in her underwear?
And I was thinking, what I was thinking
But we've been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere
My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do
Was touch her long blond hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking
That these nights when we were drinking
No they never got us anywhere, no
This is because I can spell konfusion with a K
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it
It's to jimmy eat world
And those nights in my car
When the first star you see
May not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said?
What you thought this song meant
And if this is what it takes
Just to lie with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock it's 11:11
And now you want to talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine
My Konstantine
They'll never hurt you like I do
No, They'll never hurt you like I do
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all the pretty things she did
Hey, you know, you keep me up in bed
This is to a girl who got into my head
With all these fucked up things I did
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed
My Konstantine
Spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said,
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
Did you know I miss you
I miss you
And then you bring me home
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no No,
And then you'll kiss me in your living room, oh
I know you miss me in your living room
Cause these nights I think maybe that I miss you in my living room
We don't have much room
I said, does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live

...My Konstantine.