Hello, Doris Day.

I watched New Moon. And then I got sick. Really sick. Serves me right, I suppose.
I am about to start writing what I know will be an emotionally draining paper. Which is fine. My emotions have been limited to "I HATE being sick!" and "I would LOVE to get better!" the past few days. Not even joking. Anyway. I haven't written a paper like this all semester. Needless to say, I am having a hard time getting started. But I have my introduction quote:

"Something had to be wrong--but we never considered that it might be autism... He would stare off into space. Go silent for long stretches of time, until one of the strange, demonic-possession tantrums would descend and consign him and us to an earsplitting, emotionally shattering domestic hell. Our boy, our beautiful boy, was floating away from us, and there was nothing we could do."

My paper is about the struggles of parenting a child with special needs. Its something I know nothing about. But it is something I have a heart and a passion to learn more about. I don't know that I will ever be a parent of a child with special needs, but I hope to someday be involved in the lives of these precious children. My heart goes out to them. I want to adopt from overseas, and I know that a risk in adopting a child from overseas is reactive attachment disorder. I know it would be a struggle to raise a child with RAD. Yet, I know that parenting in general must be a struggle. I have a heart for this kids, though. I really do. I want to love them, to make their quality of life better. I want to embrace them despite their differences, and love them for it.
Besides my love for young children, children with special needs, I have an increasing passion to be with horses.
The more I think about the part of my childhood that was consumed with Sonny, the more I realize how completely blessed I was to have a horse. Not to have any horse- but to have that horse. To have Sonny. I think that for my own needs as a rider, there could have been no better fit than Sonny. A rider has to want to control the horse. Horses are bred to be submissive to a rider. If they have an idea that the rider doesn't want to control them, they won't submit. As a little girl, I had no desire to dominate the big animals that I loved so much. And in turn, they took advantage of me. All but Sonny. Granted, he knew how to play me. He could fake a sore foot and get out of riding, but for the most part, his affections for me were as strong as mine was for him. And I think he tolerated my meek riding for that reason. We had a mutual respect for each other. We were both pretty scrawny. But we had a specific connection and understanding that I lacked with other horses. He read me well. And I loved him dearly for it. The memory of him being taken away from me in that horse trailer, whinnying desperately, still makes me cry. I still feel bad about selling him...
All of that to say, I long for that again. To have a horse. My own horse. A horse that... fits. The quote above is from the book, "The Horse Boy". It is about an autistic boy with an uncanny connection to animals in general, but specifically in horses. He finds healing in them. His fit is a horse named Betsy. As I read that book, learning more about autism and a humans connection with horses, I grew restless to be riding again. Almost every night for a week I dreamed of riding again. Then, while being sick, and having read most of "The Horse Boy", I dreamed I was autistic. I wish I could describe that dream adequately, but words fall short.
God has developed in my heart two passions that together, can bring hope and healing. For me, for children, for animals... I am growing restless being in the city. I have a far-fetched dream that if I can't come back to Moody next semester, maybe, just maybe, I can find a place that would put me up if I helped out... Like in New Zealand. I know a girl who did just that... I just need to be with animals, with kids on a daily basis. I am going crazy just having to dream about it all the time. Just having to write papers about it... But I am learning so much. I know God has me where He does for a reason. In the meantime He has blessed me with the children of The Children's Place Association. But I won't be able to see them again for almost another two weeks.

I really need to start writing this paper... *sigh