You give and take away

I have no words to say, yet here I am, wishing I could speak. There are a lot of thoughts, a lot of emotions, and a lot of pain built up inside, and no means for them to escape. This is rare for me. I love writing. I communicate best through writing. Yet there are no words for me right now. In looking at the words of the prophets, it is clear that they had a lot of thoughts, emotions, and pain, and they expressed themselves boldly before God. Jeremiah was bold enough to complain before God about what he saw as injustice. I feel an injustice, but I also know that God is just. But in remaining honest with the Lord, I feel even though I am far from worthy, I want Him to know how I feel.

God,

You are sovereign, and as I have always been taught, you have plans for me, for your people. I know that You are merciful, loving, and just, but I feel far removed from these aspects. I feel like suddenly its just myself, and You have stepped back to watch me fall, to watch me go back to the place where I thought I could never go again, to remove from me all of the people that I love and care about, and the future I thought I had secure at Moody. Yet, even as I type this, I see what You are doing, what Your purpose may be. But, I resent it. I really do. Yes, God. I love You, but not enough to put you before my boyfriend, my friends, my classes. Yes, God. I want to follow Your will for my life, but what about my own? I mean, You are the one who gave me these dreams, these goals. You are the one that put Andrew in my life and made a way for us to be together. You are the one who allowed me to get accepted to Moody. So are you going to take all these things away? 

God, there have been times where I have been ready to walk away from You. To live for myself and forget about this faith that I have claimed. Yet I know, I would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would have no hope, no assurances in this life. And if I can continue to cling to these things that You have given me as my hope and my joy, that I still have nothing. I have this tendency, God, to take the gifts that you have given me, and instead of worshipping You, I worship them, and allow them to be the source of my security and joy. 

You are very serious about being first place in my life, and it does not surprise me that You would do this, that you would rob me of everything that brought me joy and security to remind me that YOU are my joy and my security. And I know that this is what is best for me. Can I pray, can I plead that You would continue to break me, even if I still love these things so much? Do in me what I cannot do in myself. I want to live for You, and love You above all else, and if taking these things away that I depend on is the only way for this to happen, then that is what will happen regardless of whether or not I want them to. And in my honesty, I pray that it will not be so, that being broken would not have to hurt so bad.

Oh God, if only I could say, You are my joy, and mean it with all that I am. Be my joy, and if it must be so, then give me the grace to accept it and learn from it.