Father knows best.

Lately I feel very lost. I have no idea where to turn to next, what to think, and how to process all of this. My faith is being tested to its limits. I have many questions for God, and I know that for now, they will remain answerless, or they may never be answered at all. And somehow, I have to be okay with this. I have always been told "God has a plan for you" but what do I do when I cannot see it? That is faith, I know. Complete trust in God. But honestly, its frustrating. I have dreams for myself. Doesn't God know that? Doesn't He know that I know what is best for myself? Of course, this is ridiculous.

He knows myself better than I do. 

His dreams for me are far bigger. 

I just wish I knew what His idea for my life is. 

I am scared. 

Moody might not be what God has for me, even though I can't imagine anything better than Moody. I am going to be engaged soon. What happens when I am separated from my soon to be fiancee... again? Yet, He knows best.

Father knows best.

My future is hanging on a thread before me. So far, God has removed every crutch, everything I have depended on until here I am, on my face, completely depending on Him, and realizing that He is Sovereign. 

Believe it, Sanyelle. Just believe it.

I have my speculations on what God is doing. But really, who am I?? Just a human with thoughts that are not even big enough to come close to grasping God. I do see in my life though, that I have my priorities out of line. It seems that I have forgotten exactly why I am at this incredible school. Its for ministry. Lately, my focus has been on the big M word. I mentioned my soon-to-be-fiancee. I'll be honest. I want to get married, and the sooner the better. This thought has been a little bit consuming lately. That is not why I am here, though. I am here because I love children, and I want to serve God with ministry. Perhaps God is trying to grab my attention. Maybe He's saying,

"Remember Sanyelle, you don't have to be at Moody. There are people who are more serious about ministry than you are right now..."

So I must sit back and think, if I am going to be at this great school, I have to be here for the right reasons. 

These are my speculations. I realize I am out of line, but I know God would rather have my honesty than a lie. He is a very good God, and I am in the palm of His hand. So I pray, and I try to trust, and I give Him my heart, however messed up and broken it is.