You give and take away

I have no words to say, yet here I am, wishing I could speak. There are a lot of thoughts, a lot of emotions, and a lot of pain built up inside, and no means for them to escape. This is rare for me. I love writing. I communicate best through writing. Yet there are no words for me right now. In looking at the words of the prophets, it is clear that they had a lot of thoughts, emotions, and pain, and they expressed themselves boldly before God. Jeremiah was bold enough to complain before God about what he saw as injustice. I feel an injustice, but I also know that God is just. But in remaining honest with the Lord, I feel even though I am far from worthy, I want Him to know how I feel.

God,

You are sovereign, and as I have always been taught, you have plans for me, for your people. I know that You are merciful, loving, and just, but I feel far removed from these aspects. I feel like suddenly its just myself, and You have stepped back to watch me fall, to watch me go back to the place where I thought I could never go again, to remove from me all of the people that I love and care about, and the future I thought I had secure at Moody. Yet, even as I type this, I see what You are doing, what Your purpose may be. But, I resent it. I really do. Yes, God. I love You, but not enough to put you before my boyfriend, my friends, my classes. Yes, God. I want to follow Your will for my life, but what about my own? I mean, You are the one who gave me these dreams, these goals. You are the one that put Andrew in my life and made a way for us to be together. You are the one who allowed me to get accepted to Moody. So are you going to take all these things away? 

God, there have been times where I have been ready to walk away from You. To live for myself and forget about this faith that I have claimed. Yet I know, I would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would have no hope, no assurances in this life. And if I can continue to cling to these things that You have given me as my hope and my joy, that I still have nothing. I have this tendency, God, to take the gifts that you have given me, and instead of worshipping You, I worship them, and allow them to be the source of my security and joy. 

You are very serious about being first place in my life, and it does not surprise me that You would do this, that you would rob me of everything that brought me joy and security to remind me that YOU are my joy and my security. And I know that this is what is best for me. Can I pray, can I plead that You would continue to break me, even if I still love these things so much? Do in me what I cannot do in myself. I want to live for You, and love You above all else, and if taking these things away that I depend on is the only way for this to happen, then that is what will happen regardless of whether or not I want them to. And in my honesty, I pray that it will not be so, that being broken would not have to hurt so bad.

Oh God, if only I could say, You are my joy, and mean it with all that I am. Be my joy, and if it must be so, then give me the grace to accept it and learn from it.

Father knows best.

Lately I feel very lost. I have no idea where to turn to next, what to think, and how to process all of this. My faith is being tested to its limits. I have many questions for God, and I know that for now, they will remain answerless, or they may never be answered at all. And somehow, I have to be okay with this. I have always been told "God has a plan for you" but what do I do when I cannot see it? That is faith, I know. Complete trust in God. But honestly, its frustrating. I have dreams for myself. Doesn't God know that? Doesn't He know that I know what is best for myself? Of course, this is ridiculous.

He knows myself better than I do. 

His dreams for me are far bigger. 

I just wish I knew what His idea for my life is. 

I am scared. 

Moody might not be what God has for me, even though I can't imagine anything better than Moody. I am going to be engaged soon. What happens when I am separated from my soon to be fiancee... again? Yet, He knows best.

Father knows best.

My future is hanging on a thread before me. So far, God has removed every crutch, everything I have depended on until here I am, on my face, completely depending on Him, and realizing that He is Sovereign. 

Believe it, Sanyelle. Just believe it.

I have my speculations on what God is doing. But really, who am I?? Just a human with thoughts that are not even big enough to come close to grasping God. I do see in my life though, that I have my priorities out of line. It seems that I have forgotten exactly why I am at this incredible school. Its for ministry. Lately, my focus has been on the big M word. I mentioned my soon-to-be-fiancee. I'll be honest. I want to get married, and the sooner the better. This thought has been a little bit consuming lately. That is not why I am here, though. I am here because I love children, and I want to serve God with ministry. Perhaps God is trying to grab my attention. Maybe He's saying,

"Remember Sanyelle, you don't have to be at Moody. There are people who are more serious about ministry than you are right now..."

So I must sit back and think, if I am going to be at this great school, I have to be here for the right reasons. 

These are my speculations. I realize I am out of line, but I know God would rather have my honesty than a lie. He is a very good God, and I am in the palm of His hand. So I pray, and I try to trust, and I give Him my heart, however messed up and broken it is.

Genuine Worship

How do I meet God? Sometimes I find him on the shore of Lake Michigan, when I am far enough away from Downtown that the constant drone of traffic isn't a distraction. Often times, I find Him in the worship of many saints gathered together. Whether it be young children belting out the words at the top of their lungs, or my fellow students praising the name of the King in chapel. That is where I met Him today, but it raised many questions in my heart and mind concerning how genuine my heart and emotions really are. As I worship through song, when certain songs are sung with words that I feel I truly relate to, it stirs up a lot of emotion in me. I tear up, and I tremble, and I feel so much joy its overwhelming. Yet, if I sing these songs alone, in the privacy of my room, I wonder if I would feel the same way. The heart of the issue is that I do not want to just feel these strong feelings about God just through an occasional worship chapel at Moody, but in my every day life. It is not that I want to walk around campus weeping and trembling, but I do long to know the presence of God in the same powerful way without the context of a thousand other people singing with me. What I am trying to say is that I want to know that the joy and emotion that I feel is truly sincere, truly impressed by God, and not merely the product of being in a 'super spiritual' context where 'everybody is doing it'. I want the joy of the Lord to fill me every day, to get a glimpse of the Almighty God in just quietly reading my Bible. 

I have also noticed that I am also more prone to pour out my heart to God, to confess my sins, to hunger for Him more in general, when I am in these settings. When there is a 'worship leader' to tell me how to pray, and to tell me how to really talk to God. This is not a bad thing at all, but once again, it needs to be in my every day life, and not just in these chapels...

This morning was wonderfully refreshing, and called me to recognize God not just as a loving Father, but the truly powerful creator that I am unworthy of coming before. It is my earnest prayer that I will seek God as such in my day to day life, to have powerful worship of Him not just in song, but in every action, every breath. 

Everyone needs compassionA love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations
Savior He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
And fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender I surrender
Savior He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave (x2)
Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)