I deconstruct my thoughts at this piano...

There are situations that we face that upset the course of life as we know it, situations that rock our world, leave us breathless, and in the wake of their destruction they render us helpless and senseless. 

I feel senseless. Or so overwhelmed with my senses that I cannot manage them enough to make heads or tails of what I need to do, or don't need to do. I wish that I was numb, unfeeling, cold, callous, insensitive. Yet, I do not want that either. What is life if we do not feel, and what are we if we do not love? Pain is a very real part of life, and I know that what happens in this life, although I do not understand it, God allows it for a reason. I don't have to understand, but I want to. I want to know why my mom's mental issues are tearing apart our family. I want to know why my dad can't stop smoking. I want to know why things are going to fall apart like they are.

Why is it that I feel so responsible even though I am not. Why do I feel like I should have all the answers, make all the right choices, when its not my place. How do I cope with this impending feeling of doom. I cannot run from my problems. I can't run from my family. I can't run from my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. As much as I would love to run from this life, to not have to deal with all of this stuff that is so far out of my control.... I somehow have to face it, come to terms with it. I would much rather die than deal with the repercussions of sin any longer. Is that cowardice, or just a healthy longing for the eternity that God has promised me?

A Little Bit of Frustration... A Lot of God's Goodness

First, let me say that the transfer from my original Blogspot account to a google account was hellish... Its such hassle to go through to write a blog. Now I don't even want to write my blog. Oh well, I really want to give an update on what God has been doing in my life these past few weeks. 

Here's an excerpt from my journal a few days ago:

"October 8

I feel like for the moment, I am looking at life through rose colored lenses. Life seems to be fluctuation between two extremes, very hard and overwhelming, and then suddenly, God's grace is overflowing. Not that God's grace isn't always overflowing, it is just more clear to me. I guess the way that I am seeing God's grace the most is in my relationship with Andrew. The relationship has been so marred by sin, by selfishness, and God has allowed it to continue to grow. Andrew and I have been growing much more intimate emotionally, and it is a beautiful thing to finally see happening. And I feel content in God's will for me. Its strange that this sudden intimacy has followed my prayer for God to take my heart, which is rightfully His. I feel like I gave God my heart when I got saved and then when I met Andrew, I essentially allowed him to have my whole heart. And being a sinful person, he hurt my heart. He put cracks and chips in it. But it is God who deserves my whole heart and He can heal my heart. I have always felt that, in order to reclaim my heart, God would require me to give up Andrew, but this is not the way that God is leading me. I don't know. I don't understand the way that God works, and I don't need to. All I know is that He is doing a work in Andrew and I and in our relationship." 

That was the 8th, and on the 11th (today) I went to the Garfield Park Conservatory for a day of rest with some people from school. It was probably one of the best days I've had since being here at Moody. It was incredible. The gardens were beautiful, and I sat in a small grove of trees on a blanket in the grass. The weather was absolutely beautiful. I will share a little bit of what I wrote while lying there in the grass. 

"My Sabbath

God it is so good of You to let me enjoy You, especially here in Chicago. How good of You to let me lie in the grass, under a tree, soaking in the sights, smell and feel of nature! God, You are so good! I do not deserve all the blessings You have bestowed upon me! You have blessed me with life, love, friendship, and most importantly salvation! You are a creative, beautiful God and I am in awe of Your creativity! Seeing all of the flowers that You have designed given life to, it leaves me in awe of You. The way that you kiss me with breeze and embrace me with the warmth of sunshine, God You made me this way so that You can satisfy me! And I have spent so much time chasing other things. Please forgive me. It was You who created me, who gave me desires and passions, and You can give me fulfillment! It is You God, only You! I want to proclaim 'Knowing You, Jesus, Knowing You, there is no greater thing.' "

Today was a learning experience. I learned a lot about how God feels about me, and how He fulfills me in many ways, including Andrew. It is amazing to me that God does not only love me, He delights in me. Today I found delight in Him as well, which is a very beautiful thing to have. I think about all the people in the world who do not know the love of God, and I realize that I have taken for granted the blessing I have in knowing God. How could I have possibly made it through this life without the love of God. I don't think that I could, and if I did, then I would be a miserable soul. God created me, my personality which some people do not like, my passionate independent spirit that makes submission hard... He gave me a strong sense of emotion, and an indescribable joy in nature. And He loves me. He loves me. He does not just love me, he delights in me. He made me the way He wanted me to be, and despite all the ways that I manage to mess up, He still delights in me... That is something that I can't grasp. But it is a freeing thing to try to understand. Shawn McDonald has a song called free with lyrics that say "I want to be free, free to dance and free to sing. Free to live and love and free, free to be me!" God gives me the freedom to be me, and He cherishes it. 

Another thing I came to better understand today is how this boy fits into my life. I have a hard time balancing where my heart should be, such as ministry and marriage, loving Christ and loving Arni. What I have learned today is that it can all be the same thing. My marriage is going to be a ministry, and while it is not right now, I need to be focusing on the ministries that God has given me and enjoy what I can do as a 'single' woman. Also, my love for Christ is going to be a very different love then my love for Arni, its just a matter of how I show my love for both. If I am so wrapped up in loving Arni, that I forget to seek out Christ and give Him the love that He deserves, then that is where the problem lies. And I admit, I have pushed Christ to the side in order to give more of myself to Arni. Yet, loving Christ means loving Arni, and I need to realize that as well. I just need to make sure that my priorities are where they should be while I am still in this season of singleness. 

I have more that I could say about the impact of this day, and on other things that have been going on in my life, but I shall save that for another blog...

You give and take away

I have no words to say, yet here I am, wishing I could speak. There are a lot of thoughts, a lot of emotions, and a lot of pain built up inside, and no means for them to escape. This is rare for me. I love writing. I communicate best through writing. Yet there are no words for me right now. In looking at the words of the prophets, it is clear that they had a lot of thoughts, emotions, and pain, and they expressed themselves boldly before God. Jeremiah was bold enough to complain before God about what he saw as injustice. I feel an injustice, but I also know that God is just. But in remaining honest with the Lord, I feel even though I am far from worthy, I want Him to know how I feel.

God,

You are sovereign, and as I have always been taught, you have plans for me, for your people. I know that You are merciful, loving, and just, but I feel far removed from these aspects. I feel like suddenly its just myself, and You have stepped back to watch me fall, to watch me go back to the place where I thought I could never go again, to remove from me all of the people that I love and care about, and the future I thought I had secure at Moody. Yet, even as I type this, I see what You are doing, what Your purpose may be. But, I resent it. I really do. Yes, God. I love You, but not enough to put you before my boyfriend, my friends, my classes. Yes, God. I want to follow Your will for my life, but what about my own? I mean, You are the one who gave me these dreams, these goals. You are the one that put Andrew in my life and made a way for us to be together. You are the one who allowed me to get accepted to Moody. So are you going to take all these things away? 

God, there have been times where I have been ready to walk away from You. To live for myself and forget about this faith that I have claimed. Yet I know, I would be nothing. Absolutely nothing. I would have no hope, no assurances in this life. And if I can continue to cling to these things that You have given me as my hope and my joy, that I still have nothing. I have this tendency, God, to take the gifts that you have given me, and instead of worshipping You, I worship them, and allow them to be the source of my security and joy. 

You are very serious about being first place in my life, and it does not surprise me that You would do this, that you would rob me of everything that brought me joy and security to remind me that YOU are my joy and my security. And I know that this is what is best for me. Can I pray, can I plead that You would continue to break me, even if I still love these things so much? Do in me what I cannot do in myself. I want to live for You, and love You above all else, and if taking these things away that I depend on is the only way for this to happen, then that is what will happen regardless of whether or not I want them to. And in my honesty, I pray that it will not be so, that being broken would not have to hurt so bad.

Oh God, if only I could say, You are my joy, and mean it with all that I am. Be my joy, and if it must be so, then give me the grace to accept it and learn from it.

Father knows best.

Lately I feel very lost. I have no idea where to turn to next, what to think, and how to process all of this. My faith is being tested to its limits. I have many questions for God, and I know that for now, they will remain answerless, or they may never be answered at all. And somehow, I have to be okay with this. I have always been told "God has a plan for you" but what do I do when I cannot see it? That is faith, I know. Complete trust in God. But honestly, its frustrating. I have dreams for myself. Doesn't God know that? Doesn't He know that I know what is best for myself? Of course, this is ridiculous.

He knows myself better than I do. 

His dreams for me are far bigger. 

I just wish I knew what His idea for my life is. 

I am scared. 

Moody might not be what God has for me, even though I can't imagine anything better than Moody. I am going to be engaged soon. What happens when I am separated from my soon to be fiancee... again? Yet, He knows best.

Father knows best.

My future is hanging on a thread before me. So far, God has removed every crutch, everything I have depended on until here I am, on my face, completely depending on Him, and realizing that He is Sovereign. 

Believe it, Sanyelle. Just believe it.

I have my speculations on what God is doing. But really, who am I?? Just a human with thoughts that are not even big enough to come close to grasping God. I do see in my life though, that I have my priorities out of line. It seems that I have forgotten exactly why I am at this incredible school. Its for ministry. Lately, my focus has been on the big M word. I mentioned my soon-to-be-fiancee. I'll be honest. I want to get married, and the sooner the better. This thought has been a little bit consuming lately. That is not why I am here, though. I am here because I love children, and I want to serve God with ministry. Perhaps God is trying to grab my attention. Maybe He's saying,

"Remember Sanyelle, you don't have to be at Moody. There are people who are more serious about ministry than you are right now..."

So I must sit back and think, if I am going to be at this great school, I have to be here for the right reasons. 

These are my speculations. I realize I am out of line, but I know God would rather have my honesty than a lie. He is a very good God, and I am in the palm of His hand. So I pray, and I try to trust, and I give Him my heart, however messed up and broken it is.

Genuine Worship

How do I meet God? Sometimes I find him on the shore of Lake Michigan, when I am far enough away from Downtown that the constant drone of traffic isn't a distraction. Often times, I find Him in the worship of many saints gathered together. Whether it be young children belting out the words at the top of their lungs, or my fellow students praising the name of the King in chapel. That is where I met Him today, but it raised many questions in my heart and mind concerning how genuine my heart and emotions really are. As I worship through song, when certain songs are sung with words that I feel I truly relate to, it stirs up a lot of emotion in me. I tear up, and I tremble, and I feel so much joy its overwhelming. Yet, if I sing these songs alone, in the privacy of my room, I wonder if I would feel the same way. The heart of the issue is that I do not want to just feel these strong feelings about God just through an occasional worship chapel at Moody, but in my every day life. It is not that I want to walk around campus weeping and trembling, but I do long to know the presence of God in the same powerful way without the context of a thousand other people singing with me. What I am trying to say is that I want to know that the joy and emotion that I feel is truly sincere, truly impressed by God, and not merely the product of being in a 'super spiritual' context where 'everybody is doing it'. I want the joy of the Lord to fill me every day, to get a glimpse of the Almighty God in just quietly reading my Bible. 

I have also noticed that I am also more prone to pour out my heart to God, to confess my sins, to hunger for Him more in general, when I am in these settings. When there is a 'worship leader' to tell me how to pray, and to tell me how to really talk to God. This is not a bad thing at all, but once again, it needs to be in my every day life, and not just in these chapels...

This morning was wonderfully refreshing, and called me to recognize God not just as a loving Father, but the truly powerful creator that I am unworthy of coming before. It is my earnest prayer that I will seek God as such in my day to day life, to have powerful worship of Him not just in song, but in every action, every breath. 

Everyone needs compassionA love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations
Savior He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
And fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender I surrender
Savior He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave (x2)
Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)