I play a damn good fool

I've been realizing that when it comes to my heart, I can be pretty careless. I wear it on my sleeve like it's nothing. It seems that at even the slightest indication of care or interest, I put it all out there. I hold nothing back. The only person I ever played my interest down with was Sam. Because although he pursued me, it was off an on, and despite all the flirting and the 'dates', I was still just the girl he called when he had a crush on an Asian chick. Someone he could really be with.

Despite the huge risks, I always pour out my heart and give it all. Because I love loving. And then I get hurt, and wonder why the hell I could never be good enough despite the fact that I did give it all. If anything, I care too much.

When I fall, I fall hard and fast and my heart is committed. And when I start to get scared and doubt, it's too late. Extracting my feelings would be like trying to extract a bullet from my flesh without leaving a wound where I was shot. There's no doing it.

With Mark, one kiss after a few too many drinks was enough to set my hopes so high, that despite the fact that he turned out to be an ass hole, I couldn't stop caring and wasting my good intentions on him. And the worst thing about Mark was that he knew how much I cared, how much I liked him, and he played it up. He used my feelings to stroke his own fucking ego and treated me like trash. And although I boldly told my friends that it was his loss, I suppressed the true conclusion that I had come to, which was that in reality, I was worth absolutely nothing. One can only be treated like trash for so long before they begin to believe that they really are trash.

I wish I could be more hesitant. You would think I would be after being hurt over and over. I wish I wouldn't just say everything on my heart and mind. I wish I could be more careful, because by the time I start to distrust, and my over-analyzing brain is freaking out, I've already made a fool of myself.