I feel senseless. Or so overwhelmed with my senses that I cannot manage them enough to make heads or tails of what I need to do, or don't need to do. I wish that I was numb, unfeeling, cold, callous, insensitive. Yet, I do not want that either. What is life if we do not feel, and what are we if we do not love? Pain is a very real part of life, and I know that what happens in this life, although I do not understand it, God allows it for a reason. I don't have to understand, but I want to. I want to know why my mom's mental issues are tearing apart our family. I want to know why my dad can't stop smoking. I want to know why things are going to fall apart like they are.
Why is it that I feel so responsible even though I am not. Why do I feel like I should have all the answers, make all the right choices, when its not my place. How do I cope with this impending feeling of doom. I cannot run from my problems. I can't run from my family. I can't run from my feelings, emotions, and thoughts. As much as I would love to run from this life, to not have to deal with all of this stuff that is so far out of my control.... I somehow have to face it, come to terms with it. I would much rather die than deal with the repercussions of sin any longer. Is that cowardice, or just a healthy longing for the eternity that God has promised me?
