Woah

In 5 days, I will be with Jeremy again. I am kind of freaking out. I can't even pinpoint why I'm suddenly getting overwhelmingly nervous. I tend to over think every aspect of my existence, so it doesn't surprise me in the least that I am suddenly wigging. I am excited too. In my more lucid moments I remember how much fun it is to just be around Jeremy. Even if we are pushing a broken down car out of the middle in the road, or playing cards, or laying in the grass at Pike's Peak, or sitting on a bench having a cigarette, I love being near him. But it has been almost 8 months. And Jeremy left as I guy that I loved, and he's coming back as someone I can't imagine my life without. Funny how that happens when all we've had is the occasional letter, Facebook message, and phone calls (during which some of the time, understanding each other is reduced to a frustrating guessing game). But somewhere along the line I have come to realize that he is all that I want in a guy, and I'm beyond happy to be his, and I haven't been around him in this context. I haven't been around him at all. And going from a relationship based on phone calls, to being around one another 24/7 four 14 days is going to be a shock. And then he's going to leave again, which I have already established will be the worst feeling in the world.
It's weird too, because this relationship I have with Jeremy has become some sort of alter-ego for me. I have my life in Chicago, with my friends, my school, the memory of a me that I very recently used to be. Chicago feels like home. There is nothing of Jeremy there. The only connection that ever would be in Chicago is Christie, and the past few times I've been in the city, she hasn't been there, and I haven't even been around Christie but once as Jeremy's girlfriend. Then, there is my life here, in Crawfordsville/Ladoga, where there isn't even a hint of Jeremy. Jeremy is from that weird transition period where I ended up in Colorado for the best summer of my life, right after the worst semester of my life. I was caught on the fringe of an identity crisis, and the most epic fall from grace that I could imagine. And Jeremy just happened to be right where I landed. And for three weeks I let myself fall for him at an alarming rate and as suddenly as it began, that weird phase of my life ended, and with it went Jeremy. And now he is going to pop back in my life and probably shake it up once more, and then leave me with my boring life in which I feel as if I am going nowhere fast, just waiting to figure out where and what I'll be when he comes back. I want what I had with him in Colorado on a far more permanent basis. Life with Jer is fun and exciting and to be loved the way that he loves me is kind of indescribable. And if I can only get Jer for 2 weeks at a time for now, I'll take it. Because those two weeks are worth every second of waiting in between.