I play a damn good fool

I've been realizing that when it comes to my heart, I can be pretty careless. I wear it on my sleeve like it's nothing. It seems that at even the slightest indication of care or interest, I put it all out there. I hold nothing back. The only person I ever played my interest down with was Sam. Because although he pursued me, it was off an on, and despite all the flirting and the 'dates', I was still just the girl he called when he had a crush on an Asian chick. Someone he could really be with.

Despite the huge risks, I always pour out my heart and give it all. Because I love loving. And then I get hurt, and wonder why the hell I could never be good enough despite the fact that I did give it all. If anything, I care too much.

When I fall, I fall hard and fast and my heart is committed. And when I start to get scared and doubt, it's too late. Extracting my feelings would be like trying to extract a bullet from my flesh without leaving a wound where I was shot. There's no doing it.

With Mark, one kiss after a few too many drinks was enough to set my hopes so high, that despite the fact that he turned out to be an ass hole, I couldn't stop caring and wasting my good intentions on him. And the worst thing about Mark was that he knew how much I cared, how much I liked him, and he played it up. He used my feelings to stroke his own fucking ego and treated me like trash. And although I boldly told my friends that it was his loss, I suppressed the true conclusion that I had come to, which was that in reality, I was worth absolutely nothing. One can only be treated like trash for so long before they begin to believe that they really are trash.

I wish I could be more hesitant. You would think I would be after being hurt over and over. I wish I wouldn't just say everything on my heart and mind. I wish I could be more careful, because by the time I start to distrust, and my over-analyzing brain is freaking out, I've already made a fool of myself.

A few of my favorite people...

I find myself often referring to my 'favorite' people. So I thought it might be worth noting. They are in no particular order, but these people stand out in my mind as people I would not care to have to live without, and I am thankful for having them in my life. I love them all.

Sasha: When I think 'best friend' a few names come to my mind, but the best of my best friends would without a doubt have to be Sasha. I've known Sasha since 3rd grade, or at least that's when I remember her becoming a regular part of my life. She's been there through everything. She probably knows me better than anyone, and she is the one person that I have that I can tell absolutely anything to without any fear of condemnation, or for fear of losing her friendship. No matter how much time passes we always pick up where we left off. I definitely miss having her around.

Ruth: Hands down the 'coolest' friend I have. I am NOT an easy person to live with, by any means, and although on more than one occasion I came home to all my stuff in trash bags on my bed, I couldn't ask for a better roommate. And although our battle over music was a constant one, we managed to compromise on most occasions, and probably thoroughly offended every girlon our floor. But Ruth is more than the world's best roomie. She was never once afraid to tell me when I was being a dumb ass, and when I realized what a dumb ass I was, she never said "I told you so" but comforted me when I bawled my eyes out over my sheer stupidity. She's a ballsy friend, and one I need. My appreciation for her is unending.

Austin: Oh, Austin. Austin is one of the very, very, very few people (very few being two) who saw me at my absolute worst, who knew how badly I fucked up, who was literally with me at my worst moment to date. And he somehow still saw my worth. Austin kept my head above water when I was drowning in despair. And although he could have very easily written me off, he defended me. And I have seen Austin transform into a guy that I admire and respect more than I thought I could. I am fiercely proud of him, and through all of his bull shit, I feel privileged to know a small part of his journey. I could probably rave about Austin a bit more, but the fact is, he's a great friend, and a loving brother. I have also never been kicked out or chased out of more places than with Austin, but that is another matter all together. :)

Dave: To try to describe Dave in a brief paragraph is impossible, but I'll try. I adore Dave. He is one of a kind. When I say one of a kind, I mean I have never, and will never meet a soul comparable to David Thomas Ulrich. I remember our first conversation in a Starbucks after we voted in the presidential election together. I remember being flabbergasted by the maturity of this young guy. He is so grounded, and so real. He is an open book, sharing his life with others for the benefit of all who are blessed to know him. I miss having long talks with him at dinner, where he would pull various seasonings for food out of his backpack. And I have never played with a guy's hair, or any girl's hair for that matter, as much as I did Dave's. Granted, I have never put dreads in anyone else's hair. (I'm sorry they didn't work out, Dave. However, I don't regret the early mornings and hours spent destroying your great, hippie hair.)

Aaron: My little brother. I haven't been the best sister, what with my tendency to up and leave rather frequently, but the relationship and closeness I have to Aaron now is not something I want to lose. And although I have lost a lot of sleep worrying about him, I know he is the one person I can count on in my family to stick up for me when certain mothers and girlfriends are being nasty, psychotic bitches. Aaron knows my damage best, because he's been through all the same shit. The protectiveness I feel for Aaron is unlike anything I have felt before. He will always be my little brother, and I would do anything to spare him the pain he's dealing with.

Jacquelyn: Jacquelyn and I are almost too similar to be

best friends. Our influence on one another is certainly not an advantage. I wish I could calculate how much time we have spent just sitting and avoiding life. Or how many hours we spent lost on the streets of Chicago. Jacquelyn is one of the few girls in my life that I have more of a sister relationship with, but after three years of ridiculously close proximity, I think it's to be expected. And although after our first meeting in CPO and I thought she hated me, I'd say we ended up pretty alright.

Christie: One of the few friends that I can get into a nearly physical altercation with and still end up cuddling before bed at night. :) Christie and I have had some less than friendly moments, but I don't know what I would do without her loving influence in my life. It's not for no reason that I call her 'mom'. I envy Christie the love that she has, and disappointing her is the hardest thing

for me to do.

Jer: Although you haven't been in my life very long at all, I think you're pretty swell. My love for you and my relationship with you isn't comparable to any of the above, but I have never found it so easy to enjoy anyone as much as I enjoy you. Loving you is pretty effortless, even if our relationship means a lot of work. I am a very, very lucky girl, and I hope to be yours for some time.

I drove to Chicago, all things go, all things go...

I miss Chicago more than I've ever missed any place before. It's hard to believe that such a large, cold, busy place could be the best home that I've ever had, but it is. I remember in my first semester that my parents forbid that I go anywhere alone, even to the Starbucks a block away from Moody. But my fear of the huge, obnoxious city quickly deteriorated, partially because of necessity, and partially because of the comfort that I soon acquired on the streets near Moody. I went from not being able to walk to the S'bucks a block away, to traveling an hour and a half round trip to Humboldt Park by myself, going by buses, train, and foot. I went from being afraid of the city, to wanting to embrace every aspect of it. Fortunately, I had friends who were not afraid of exploring the city, as many Moody students are prone to be.

I miss hazy warm nights where walking through the city wasn't a trial and it didn't matter if the bus we were waiting for was an hour late. I miss walking on the beaches and playing ultimate frisbee at night. I miss getting lost and stumbling upon hip places like Reckless Records, Myopic Books, Buffalo Exchange and all of the joys of places like Wrigleyville and Wicker Park. I miss Navy Pier and the fireworks. I miss getting caught in warm downpours and getting back to school drenched to the bone, all for the sake of Dunkin Donuts with my best friends. I miss almost everything about the life that I had there, and I would give almost anything to have it back again.